I am writing this post because today a friend of mine told me that she hated her body. She felt invisible in her life because of her size. That she didn’t love the ‘body positivity’ movement that is happening right now because she didn’t feel like she had anything to feel positive about. She is just so unhappy. I hope she doesn’t mind that I am writing a blog about this, but I feel like I need to. You are not alone in this girlfriend!
For me, I have always been the ‘Big’ girl in the group. I know what it feels like to be invisible, to not love my body or myself. I suffered from depression for most of my teens into my early to mid twenties. I had no self-confidence, low self-esteem and an awful idea of what my body ‘should’ look like.
When I heard my friend say these things, I was stunned. Honestly, I cried. My heart broke. I realized that the reason I was so upset was because I knew EXACTLY how she felt. I hate to say that I used to feel the exact same as my friend and I hate to hear another woman feeling that way. While I do not love the way my body looks all the time (most of the time) I do love myself no matter what size I am.
I am beautiful and I know it. I never used to think that. I used to think that I was ugly. But now, I KNOW that I am beautiful. When I say “I am beautiful” I’m not ONLY talking about my body, or my face, or my hair (although, on most days I do love those things about myself now). I’m talking about the spunk and positivity that I have. The love that I have, and show, for other people and for myself. True beauty is about having confidence in your self no matter what. To be comfortable with your self and accepting of your self.
I talk about beauty because I felt invisible for so long and then once I had my daughter I stopped giving a shit about if people ‘saw’ me or not. I started doing things for myself; I started dressing the way I wanted to dress and I accepted my body as is. With all of its rolls and stretch marks and ‘jiggly bits’. Accepting the fact that I was fat, and yes I knew I still had to lose weight, but accepting the fact that I was fat and couldn’t change it right this second made me a more confident woman. When I stopped giving a shit, and started taking care of myself, making time for myself (mind body and soul) I became a much happier person. And you know what happened after I did that? People saw me…and they didn’t just see the physical part of me, but they saw the PERSON, the beautiful WOMAN that I am. And I was ok with that.
I know that I am here, talking about my weight LOSS journey. And I know that it sounds hypocritical to say that I love myself or my body but I want to change it. But I also know that if I didn’t choose to live in the light every day, no matter what SIZE I am, that I would not be the person that I am today.
I still have my doubts and negative thoughts about myself and my body (you can read that in past blog posts lol) and I don’t think that will ever fully go away. Everyone has those doubts and thoughts once in a while. I just choose to live happily and love myself despite that. I hope that you (my friend, and anyone else reading this) can start to see the light in your life and not just the dark.