Good-Bye Confidence It Was Nice Knowing You

FYI: This post has very personal things in it…so if you don’t want to know about my sex life…stop reading here lol

Up until now, I was a badass bitch and I knew it. I had the attitude that said I love myself and if you don’t like the way I look then I don’t GAF! But then…I got naked in front of a man and my confidence was nowhere to be found.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty confident woman. I was never confident growing up but the older I got, the more my confidence grew. Yes there are parts of my body that I would like to change but in general I am pretty OK with it. In my situation, with the fact that it is so hard for me to lose weight, I kind of have to be ok with where ever I am in my journey. But apparently when I am NAKED in front of someone else it changes my self-image completely!

For me, I have not been with a man in 5 years. It started as getting over a breakup, then I was too busy with my kid, then I just got scared because by that time it had been a few years and now here we are. I felt ready. I don’t have a boyfriend or anything but I NEEDED to sleep with someone lol how desperate does that sound but 5 YEARS?! Come on! It was overdue haha. So I decided to sleep with a man that I trusted. A good friend if you will.

This really has nothing to do with the person I was with. He is nothing but a sweetheart and would never say anything bad about my body. It has to do with the way I viewed MYSELF.

The sex was great. But there was this little voice in the back of my head saying awful things to me…about me! “Not good enough” “Fat” “Huge” “disgusting”. The self-doubt and total self-consciousness filled my head. I felt those awful things afterwards. Not because of having sex, but because I felt like my body wasn’t good enough. Like my looks and my weight were all that mattered in the equation and they felt not good enough to me.

I am fine now. That self-conscious feeling went away and I am back to my Fabulous self again, but what the hell? Why does that happen? How does that little voice in the back of our heads sneak in there when we least expect it to? When we are feeling great about ourselves, 100% confident and fabulous. I want to tell that sneaky little voice to shut the F*CK up.

What I have learned from this experience; I will have sex AGAIN because let’s be honest, I am never waiting 5 years to have sex ever again lol. The other thing is…I need to love myself MORE. I found out the hard way that I didn’t appreciate my body as much as I thought that I did. That is going to change.

As I have written before, I AM ENOUGH. I am MORE than enough. I am amazing and wonderful and beautiful and sexy and the list goes on. I know that about myself. I just need to reconfirm my own self-image. To remind myself that I am an amazing woman with, or without, clothes on. 🙂

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A picture that I feel pretty in ❤

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Good-Bye Confidence It Was Nice Knowing You

  1. Was this your news?! I’ve been waiting for your news! 🙂

    I can relate to this (of course I can). I don’t look how I used to and I miss how easy and comfortable sex (and everything else) was back when I was slim. It sucks and it’s a hard mental block to get over. I’m down 23 pounds now but I still have a long way to go. Let me tell, when you lose 23 pounds and STILL look fat, it’s very frustrating.

    I’m glad you are back to your fabulous self! And if this is not your news, please tell me ASAP 😀

    Like

    • LOL Yes this was my news. I forgot to message you with it.
      Ive never been skinny so I had never had sex as a skinny person. But when the person you have sex with is much smaller than you are…it totally gets to you (or at least me lol)
      I am so proud of you for being down 23 pounds! That is amazing news! Did you take your own before pics? Because although you may feel like you dont look any different…pictures may tell a different story.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I would feel the same way. Even with my husband, I’m like, “don’t look at me, I’m fat!” and he’s like, “oh, shut up.”

        I have been taking pictures throughout and I can notice small differences. When you have 100+ pounds to lose, the differences are small but they are there! I wish the 23 pounds all left my stomach, but it decided to spread over my whole body (even my fingers!). I guess that makes me look more proportionate at least, lol.

        Liked by 1 person

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