I am re-blogging this from Sass and Balderdash. I just love her blog. But this specific post hit the nail right on the head. I know most women feel this way, I know that I certainly have on many occasions. I’ve actually had a friend not come to my daughter’s birthday party because she would be ‘too tempted’ to eat a slice of birthday cake. Its a slice of birthday cake! ITS NOT GOING TO KILL YOU! My opinion is…eat the damn cake…eat the brownie…eat the cookie. You only live once, and in this life I do not want to be deprived of ENJOYING those delicious tidbits.
Plate Police Brutality: The Struggles of Eating in Public
Last week there was a holiday fair at the office. Several coworkers – many who work in other departments and fall into the “name rings a bell” category – sold goods like knitwear or jewelry that they made by hand. It was actually pretty remarkable to glimpse the unseen passions and hidden talents of the many near-strangers I see only in passing during elevator rides or pilgrimages to the corners of the office where a birthday cake is rumored to be found. It was refreshing to remember that everyone’s lives are much richer than the eight hours we spend conjoined in cubicles each day. That our perception of the people we work with is a snapshot of who they are with a business casual filter applied. The fair itself was lovely, but the baking contest was a sad reminder of how tense eating can be, especially as a woman. When emails about the holiday fair were sent out a few months back the cynic in me expected low participation, but the spread for the bake off alone proved me wrong. There was a huge assortment of desserts anonymously labeled and arranged atop a long stretch of file cabinets just outside the […]
Last week was rough! So rough in fact that I ended up taking the week off from the gym. I still ate the way I normally eat, but there were no workouts at all.
It started Monday when I fell and hurt myself. Not wanting to make my injury worse, I skipped Zumba for the first time since I started. I actually really missed it and CANNOT wait to go back tonight. But this started the ball rolling I feel.
The rest of the week was just an emotional mess; from a family pet being put down, to work sucking, to Christmas Concerts, to outragously high blood sugars (damn you diabetes). My nights were filled with tears, reminiscing, happiness, sadness, and cuddles on the couch. I really didnt care about hitting the gym or going for a walk or anything else. It was just a week that needed to be spent with family and not a week spent trying to fit workouts in around everything else that was going on.
Do I feel bad about missing an entire week of workouts? I guess I do a little bit. mainly because I don’t want to reverse the hard work that I have put in. But honestly, it does not bother me all that much. I am happy that I took the time to spend with family and friends. I am happy that I have those memories and that my daughter will look back and remember that mommy was there. Not just physically there, but 100% mentally there as well.
Today, I am looking forward to getting back to Zumba and shaking my ass like we normally do on a Monday night lol Who knows what the rest of this week will bring?
I am not to much of a beat around the bush type so I am going to come right out and say this..I suffer from depression. I have for the past 13+ years. If that makes me crazy, then so be it. This is a bit of my story of combat against my own demons.
It has been 11 years since I started taking medication to combat my depression, and almost 8 years since I have been on one specific med (the only one that I ever found to work). I haven’t felt depressed in years because of this medication but I was always scared and worried that I could fall back into depression at any time. A depression that does not make you feel sad but actually makes you feel nothing.
I have been there before. The beast that kills all emotions. Never happy, never sad, never proud, never scared, just numb. Always numb.
I used to lay in bed and stare at the wall. What was the point of getting up to do anything? It didn’t make me happy. It didn’t make me FEEL at all. Unless you have felt that black hole of nothing-ness yourself, there is no way to explain it so that someone who hasnt experienced it will understand. I was a zombie, moving about my days copying others expresions, copying their emotional responsesI remember, on several occasions the feeling of my cheeks aching from smiling with my friends. But I wasn’t smiling because I was having fun, I was smiling because everyone else was smiling and I knew that that was what I needed to do. In reality I was thinking the entire time ‘how much longer can I hold this smile, and fake this laugh, before they notice that I am a fraud”. .
A little over half a year ago I decided (with the advice and help of my doctor) that I would come off of my medications to see if my body still needed them. For me depression was so much more than just sadness and I was so scared to come off of the medication that regulated my emotions for so long.
I was scared but I knew that it was something I needed to try. I knew that if I didn’t I would regret it for the rest of my life. So I did it. I came off my medication and I am doing great. But that doesn’t mean that I am free of depression or its claws forever.
I can still feel it trying to get me to slip up every once in a while. Not too often but every now and again. I feel the anxiety, the irrational fears, the restlessness, the EXTREME irritibility, the complete lack of motivation to do anything. Those are my warning signs. The warning signs that tell me that I need to get my butt in gear to keep my head on straight and not fall back into that black hole of nothing-ness.
Do you know what I do now, when I begin to feel those symptoms creeping up on me? I excersize. I walk, I run (even if for only a few minutes 🙂 ), I go to the gym, I lift weights, and I work my body hard until I dont feel the claws grasping at me anymore.
I know I’ve mentioned it before but for me, the gym isn’t just about GAINS or weight loss. The gym or excersize in general, for me, clears my head. It helps me to think straight and get my ‘CRAZY’ in check lol. When I am finished a good workout, I feel relaxed and fearless. I feel balanced and stable. I feel strong and motivated to keep doing good.
The fact that I actually feel those things though, that is the biggest accomplishment in my books. Working out is NOT the only thing I do to keep my ‘Crazy’ in check. I have to make sure that I am also doing things for myself, eatting right (for the most part) and making sure that I am honest with myself, doing self-checks to make sure that my ‘Crazy’ is not slipping.
Today, I feel great. Today, even when I have my low moments I rise up. Today, I have my ‘Crazy’ in check.
Do you think its enough to double your calories burned on two separate days to make up for missing 2 workouts? I dont know if it works that way, but I did it anyways lol
My Fitness Pal calculates your total calories burned over the course of the week and gives you a total deficit of calories burned vs. calories consumed.
Since I knew ahead of time that there would be two nights at the end of my week where I would not be able to work out I chose two days and doubled down on my workouts. I wanted to die by the end, but I struggled through. Plus Sunday I burned over 1.000 calories walking the zoo all day SO Im not feeling too bad about it.
I feel like I may forever smell of mentholated rub. This is the new perfume de la Ashley.
Lower Focus and Core Cardio done for this week and I’m pretty sure that without my A535 rub I would not be able to get out of my chair at work, let alone my car to come in, or even down the stairs at my house in order to go out to my car. 😀 This rub in a god send at the moment, even though it stinks to high heaven and I smell like an old grandma for the remainder of the day.
On Tuesday I got to take the day off of work and go on my daughter’s field trip with her to a nature conservatory. It was an amazing day. We got to go on a hike and be outside. It was so much better than sitting at my desk and I was surprised that I didn’t get tired at all. This is new for me and very exciting 🙂
I did lower focus that night, so I considered this to be my ‘double down’ day. I don’t know if that would actually count, but I AM counting it and I don’t care lol.