Christmas Just Wasn’t The Same

My mom was diagnosed with ALS. She is dying, and I am her main caregiver, along with my dad and sister.

This story is hers to tell but she can no longer do that. ALS is taking everything she has, including her voice.  So I am giving everything I have to her. I may at times sound selfish but the reality is that she gets everything I have and nothing is left over at the end of the day. This story is hers to tell but I’m going to tell it instead.

In mid November 2018 (less than a year before this post) my mom got sick. She came down with a high fever and weakness all over her body. Cold sweats, freezing but hot to the touch, couldn’t stand on her own, couldn’t keep her balance. She stuck it out and felt better after a day or 2 in bed.

1-2 weeks later my mom got sick again. The same kind of sick but worse than the first time. After a day of this fever, we brought her to the hospital because she could not stand or walk on her own. They diagnosed her with a severe bladder infection and possible lung infection.

After some meds, she felt better but her left leg was still weak and she would lose her balance often. She got tests on her lungs and bladder and all came back well and good after antibiotics.

A month or so goes by and the weakness in her leg and her balance kept getting worse but she pushed through. She was such a champ. We went on with life as usual. Hanging out, playing with our new pupper, Christmas was around the corner! But the Christmas spirit just wasn’t there for our family. We knew something was very wrong.

We couldn’t muster the energy or spirit to decorate, bake our traditional Christmas cookies, or even get my mom to go shopping. These were my mom’s usual things to do at Christmas. She loved this time of year and would set up our Christmas tree with lights and we would all decorate it together, she would put silly decorations everywhere, and get the lights and scenes put up outside. Every year of my life, we have decorated the Christmas tree as a family. That didn’t happen this past Christmas.

I put the tree up myself, strung the lights myself, and helped my daughter to decorate the tree just her and I. I didn’t put up my Christmas village, or extra lights outside. I didn’t wrap the banisters with ribbon or tinsel or bulbs. I didn’t put our wreaths on the doors or Santa pictures on the walls. I didn’t put the star on top of the tree. I didn’t put THE STAR ON TOP OF THE TREE!

Something was wrong but we didn’t know what. By early to mid December my mom’s leg was beginning to drag just a little bit and she was dizzy often. She said it felt like her leg was just not connected to her body, it just wouldn’t listen to what her brain told it to do. She would hold on to things if she needed steadying, but you could tell the dizziness made her tired. The doctors were convinced that she had vertigo. A really bad case of it, but vertigo none the less.

Let me tell you, that vertigo is no where near what was wrong with my mom. But it would take us another 6 months, lots of fighting with doctors, a 3 month hospital stay, and time away from our family, to find out exactly what was happening with our mother.

(to be continued)

 

Confidence Is Key

Self Confidence

Who would have thought, over a year ago, I would feel this good?

It is crazy to believe that when I started this journey I actually felt like crap. Physically and mentally.

A year ago I was always down on myself. I felt ugly and fat and uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt like none of my clothes fit properly and that everyone judged me on how big I was. I was SUPER quiet and introverted when out without my best friends. I couldn’t make it up the stairs at work without getting out of breath. My blood sugars were out of control! I really felt like I was going nowhere in this life of mine.

It is crazy what a year and a half can do. My confidence is at an all time high and I feel great, physically. I actually take selfies and LOVE the way I look. I know its not all about how I look but in all reality, the way I felt about my body totally brought me down. Not saying that I don’t still have those days, everyone does, but they are fewer and farther between. I rely on my girlfriends, in those low times, to help me remember where I have been and where I am going.

What really made me want to write this post was my Zumba class. Zumba is fast paced and you are constantly moving. Shaking your hips, squatting, skipping, jumping, among other things. It is hard but it is SO FUN. When I first started this class I could barely make it through. I did a totally modified version because the jumping and fast paced moves seemed totally impossible. At that time, they were impossible. It HURT to jump, it hurt to do a million calf raise dances, and it sucked! I could not get my body to do what I wanted.

Anyways, in time (AKA a year and a half later), I have built up my stamina, my strength and my stability. I’ve been able to make it through classes without needing to sit out for half of the songs. I am now able to make it through all of the songs in a class and put WAY MORE effort into them. I have even been able to do a lot of the jumping moves that I thought would always be impossible. I still cannot do all of the jumping for the whole class. I still sometimes take 1 song to sit out if I am absolutely winded. I still slack sometimes when I feel like crap. But all of those things are ok because I know that I CAN do it. I AM doing it.

You need to know that the key to a successful fitness journey is not being able to workout hard and for long periods of time. It is not going to the gym and being able to run for an hour on the treadmill or lift 50lb weights or complete an ENTIRE Zumba class. The key to a successful fitness journey is to begin. Begin and keep going no matter how little you can do at first. When I first started with T25 I could only do about 15 minutes before I felt like I wanted to puke. So I did as much as I could and then I stopped and I didn’t feel bad about it because I did SOMETHING.

Just start with something little. Go for a walk, do a 10 minute workout from you tube, take as many breaks as you need to but keep going!

I may not be anywhere near where I want to be. I am not yet be close to my long term goals. I have had set backs but I keep on going and one day I will get there!

This is my Journey ❤

Feeling Fabulous!

Kisses ❤ -A

Beautiful

Confidence

Radiating Confidence

 

Re-United And It Feels So Good!

Reunited and it feels so good!

Taking a week off of Zumba was the worst decision EVER!

Due to unforseeable circumstances, both nights of our Zumba class got cancelled last week. I took full advantage of this, especially considering that my lady business had started and I was feeling like crap. So I lounged around (except for getting all of my steps the night of Halloween), I did little to no excersize…AKA I did NOTHING! I went to work and then came home and sat on my ass! lol

Getting back to it last night was so difficult. Even after just 1 week; I couldnt catch my breath, my muscles spasmed half way through class, and I was totally beat by the end. But man was I proud of myself.

Even though I felt like the class was harder (due to having the week before off and taking FULL advantage of it) I kicked ASS. I got through ENTIRE songs that I have never been able to get through before. I did moves, jumps, kicks that I am not ALWAYS able to do. I performed at a level that I never have before. I’m not sure WHY but damn did it feel good!

It doesn’t feel so great today but I kind of love that burn. It means I worked hard and I will have something to show for it.

Zumba is honestly my saving grace. What is yours?

Good-Bye Confidence It Was Nice Knowing You

FYI: This post has very personal things in it…so if you don’t want to know about my sex life…stop reading here lol

Up until now, I was a badass bitch and I knew it. I had the attitude that said I love myself and if you don’t like the way I look then I don’t GAF! But then…I got naked in front of a man and my confidence was nowhere to be found.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty confident woman. I was never confident growing up but the older I got, the more my confidence grew. Yes there are parts of my body that I would like to change but in general I am pretty OK with it. In my situation, with the fact that it is so hard for me to lose weight, I kind of have to be ok with where ever I am in my journey. But apparently when I am NAKED in front of someone else it changes my self-image completely!

For me, I have not been with a man in 5 years. It started as getting over a breakup, then I was too busy with my kid, then I just got scared because by that time it had been a few years and now here we are. I felt ready. I don’t have a boyfriend or anything but I NEEDED to sleep with someone lol how desperate does that sound but 5 YEARS?! Come on! It was overdue haha. So I decided to sleep with a man that I trusted. A good friend if you will.

This really has nothing to do with the person I was with. He is nothing but a sweetheart and would never say anything bad about my body. It has to do with the way I viewed MYSELF.

The sex was great. But there was this little voice in the back of my head saying awful things to me…about me! “Not good enough” “Fat” “Huge” “disgusting”. The self-doubt and total self-consciousness filled my head. I felt those awful things afterwards. Not because of having sex, but because I felt like my body wasn’t good enough. Like my looks and my weight were all that mattered in the equation and they felt not good enough to me.

I am fine now. That self-conscious feeling went away and I am back to my Fabulous self again, but what the hell? Why does that happen? How does that little voice in the back of our heads sneak in there when we least expect it to? When we are feeling great about ourselves, 100% confident and fabulous. I want to tell that sneaky little voice to shut the F*CK up.

What I have learned from this experience; I will have sex AGAIN because let’s be honest, I am never waiting 5 years to have sex ever again lol. The other thing is…I need to love myself MORE. I found out the hard way that I didn’t appreciate my body as much as I thought that I did. That is going to change.

As I have written before, I AM ENOUGH. I am MORE than enough. I am amazing and wonderful and beautiful and sexy and the list goes on. I know that about myself. I just need to reconfirm my own self-image. To remind myself that I am an amazing woman with, or without, clothes on. 🙂

A picture that I feel pretty in ❤

 

 

 

No Pain No Gain

No pain no gain. That’s what ‘they’ say right? Well I am definitely feeling the pain today.

Last week I went to Zumba and nailed it, but as for getting to the gym I only made it there once. So I felt like, while I ate great and stuck to my meal plan for the week, I was really slacking in the workout department. I didn’t have the motivation to go by myself, I went to bed early most of the nights instead of heading to the gym and was just lazy. But I started this week off much better and I am feeling pumped!

I spent the better part of an hour at the gym last night. This is the very first time I have gone to the gym by myself in years. If you know me, or have read my previous blogs, then you know that this is huge for me. As I stepped out of my car I could feel the familiar tightening in my chest. The dreaded panic attack. It’s so bizarre. I can walk into the gym without feeling like this when I am walking in with a friend or my sister, but the second I try to walk in by myself it shows its ugly head. It took me a few minutes to get out of the car and put my feet in motion but once I got started I didn’t let myself stop until I was on the treadmill to warm up! Once in and working I am ok, no panic. It’s just the getting there that trips me up.

I am happy to report that I killed it at the gym last night, all by myself 😀 . I did cardio for 15 minutes, a deep stretch, upper body workout including weights (Im only comfortable lifting around 5 lbs with free weights but I’ll get up there eventually lol), and then I finished up with 10 more minutes of cardio. I felt like I really worked hard, gave it my all and didn’t slack, which I find happens when you aren’t working out with a partner. This really was a great workout and I definitely feel it in my shoulders biceps today.

Meal prep yesterday went really great as well. I will give you a summary as usual, and later this week I will be posting a recipe because honestly, my lunch today was delicious and I cannot wait to eat it again tomorrow!

---

Breakfast: 165 calories, 22 carbs

• 1 toast
• 1/4cup of cottage cheese
• 4-5 mini cherry or grape tomatoes
• COFFEE (this is always included in my breakfast even if I don’t write it lol)

Lunch: 400 calories, 37 carbs

• 1 Sesame Salmon filet
• 1 cup Sesame Lo-Mien
• ½ Grilled zucchini and carrots

Snacks: each around 100 calories, almost 0 carbs

• 1 cup Mixed fresh veggies (few carrots, cauliflower and cucumbers)
• 2 tbs Pesto basil hummus

OR

• 1 tbs Peanut butter (if Im really hungry Ill grab a table spoon of peanut butter to tide me over between meals)

OR

• 1 Greek yogurt (oikos is my favourite)

Dinner:

We all know that I don’t cook dinner during the week SO hopefully I can control my calorie intake during this meal.

---

At the gym with my SEESTOR. Being cool taking selfies ❤

I am feeling great this week with my meal prep and workouts. I hope everyone else is doing well with their Journeys, whether it be weight loss or life in general! Let me know how you are doing and what steps you are taking towards a better you!

Getting My Groove Back

This blog is supposed to be real, and full of what I am actually doing with my fitness journey, so that is exactly what I am doing today. Filling you in on my current ‘Journey’ or motivation plateau as I am calling it right now.

These past few weeks have been so hard in terms of motivation and pre planning of my meals. Meal planning, for me, is key! If I don’t prep my meals on the weekends, I eat like crap all week. I don’t make my lunch, therefore I eat out. I don’t bring my breakfast and snacks, therefore I grab a breakfast sandwich with my coffee on the way to work. And working out? A real, muscle-building, cardio fuelled, calorie burning work out? There is not a chance in hell.

These past few weeks have been a bust. It kills me to write this but I have gained back 2 pounds of the 13 pounds that I lost so far this year. I know some people may say well 2 pounds isn’t SO bad. But you know what? I worked my ass off to lose those 2 pounds. It took me weeks to lose those 2 pounds in the first place and I’ve let them come back. I am pissed at myself.

I can feel the difference in my body that ‘JUST’ 2 pounds creates. The unease within myself knowing that they are there. I know this is in my head but with those 2 pounds comes an anxiety that I can feel like no other. ‘What have I done!’ ‘All that work for nothing’ ‘You will never lose the weight that you wanted to lose’.

However, this current week has been a little bit different. This week I met up with a friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time. This friend has been through a lot of stuff in his life but he is getting his shit together. In his blog the other day he said:

‘The beauty of life is that it is what we make it. We can choose to stand still, live in negativity…Or we can scrape our sorry asses off the pity train and live! I choose to live!’

I realized, when I read this, that this is EXACTLY what I need to do. I am scraping my sorry ass off the pity train and getting my shit together lol.

Now I may not be ready to hit the gym with him anytime soon BUT I am taking  steps (albeit small) to get that motivation back that I had, not too long ago. Going for walks, Zumba, thinking of putting those DREADED T25 videos back on, or God forbid get on a bicycle haha (that is a funny sight to see). I felt that negative, anxiety filled, energy pulling in a different direction this week. I’ve pinned some new recipes for my weekend meal prep. I’m planning my grocery list as we speak and I will work out MORE than my once a week Zumba class.

This is me, being accountable for my choices and my life. This is me, hitting a small fork in the road. And this is me, getting my groove back.

Have you ever hit a motivation plateau? What did you do to get out of it?