I’m Back Baby!

I’m back!

I cannot believe that it has been 3 months since my last ‘REAL’ post. Life got busy, I got lazy, and everything was kind of set on Auto-Pilot for a while. You know the whole…get up and get ready for work, get the kid up and ready for daycare, go to work, come home, dinner, make lunches, do laundry, study for school, go to bed and start the whole thing over again tomorrow thing? Ya that has been my life for the past while.

This post is actually really difficult for me to write. My first post in what seems like forever but I need to be honest and I need to be real. That’s what my blog has been about all along.

So here is my truth: I haven’t been going to the gym. I have barely made it to Zumba. I basically haven’t done ANY workouts in what seems like forever. My meal prep has been lacking as well. My go to these days are yogurt with protein powder and fruit for breakfast, a frozen Steamer or Lean Cuisine for lunch, some cucumbers with cheese for snack and whatever is ready for dinner when I get home from work. Not awful but not the best.

I saw a nutritionist who instructed me to lose all carb in my diet. I know that this is what most people do to lose weight but as a Type 1 Diabetic I do not feel comfortable doing that. My dietitian has ALWAYS made me think that carb is an important part of a Type 1 Diabetic diet. The nutritionist also asked me to double my water consumption (I am now drinking approximately 16 cups of water a day…thats like 3 liters of water LOL) so you know what else I’ve been doing a lot of haha.

My weight hasn’t fluctuated MUCH. I am definitely up a few pounds but fitting into smaller sizes WOOHOO. Before I saw the nutritionist I had actually gone down 1 full dress size. Which just seems insane and impossible to me. This just goes to show you that the number on the scale is not always what it seems to be. I am currently hitting the scale around 225 to 230 pounds (I know the number scares me too) So I must have gained some muscle mass while I WAS working out…now the trick is not to lose it!

I have a new fitness DVD sitting at home just waiting to be opened and put into the DVD player. I just need to find that drive and motivation that I had when I first started this process.

Even though nothing seems to help me lose weight and nothing seems to be going the way it should I am trying to keep going. It is very frustrating and disheartening but I need to push forward or I will NEVER reach my goals. And that is NOT an option.

Here is to pushing forward and getting back that motivation to move my ass! ❤

 

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Good-Bye Confidence It Was Nice Knowing You

FYI: This post has very personal things in it…so if you don’t want to know about my sex life…stop reading here lol

Up until now, I was a badass bitch and I knew it. I had the attitude that said I love myself and if you don’t like the way I look then I don’t GAF! But then…I got naked in front of a man and my confidence was nowhere to be found.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty confident woman. I was never confident growing up but the older I got, the more my confidence grew. Yes there are parts of my body that I would like to change but in general I am pretty OK with it. In my situation, with the fact that it is so hard for me to lose weight, I kind of have to be ok with where ever I am in my journey. But apparently when I am NAKED in front of someone else it changes my self-image completely!

For me, I have not been with a man in 5 years. It started as getting over a breakup, then I was too busy with my kid, then I just got scared because by that time it had been a few years and now here we are. I felt ready. I don’t have a boyfriend or anything but I NEEDED to sleep with someone lol how desperate does that sound but 5 YEARS?! Come on! It was overdue haha. So I decided to sleep with a man that I trusted. A good friend if you will.

This really has nothing to do with the person I was with. He is nothing but a sweetheart and would never say anything bad about my body. It has to do with the way I viewed MYSELF.

The sex was great. But there was this little voice in the back of my head saying awful things to me…about me! “Not good enough” “Fat” “Huge” “disgusting”. The self-doubt and total self-consciousness filled my head. I felt those awful things afterwards. Not because of having sex, but because I felt like my body wasn’t good enough. Like my looks and my weight were all that mattered in the equation and they felt not good enough to me.

I am fine now. That self-conscious feeling went away and I am back to my Fabulous self again, but what the hell? Why does that happen? How does that little voice in the back of our heads sneak in there when we least expect it to? When we are feeling great about ourselves, 100% confident and fabulous. I want to tell that sneaky little voice to shut the F*CK up.

What I have learned from this experience; I will have sex AGAIN because let’s be honest, I am never waiting 5 years to have sex ever again lol. The other thing is…I need to love myself MORE. I found out the hard way that I didn’t appreciate my body as much as I thought that I did. That is going to change.

As I have written before, I AM ENOUGH. I am MORE than enough. I am amazing and wonderful and beautiful and sexy and the list goes on. I know that about myself. I just need to reconfirm my own self-image. To remind myself that I am an amazing woman with, or without, clothes on. 🙂

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A picture that I feel pretty in ❤

 

 

 

Meal Prep Monday-February 1st

Whats up peeps? Its been a while. Let me give you a little catch-me-up before I get down to business.

January has been CRAY CRAY! Getting my daughter back to school after Christmas holiday has been horrific (Read all about our ADHD Life here ). The plus side: the screaming and out-right refusal has stopped but the crying about not feeling well and not want to go to daycare or school continues. My grandma was in and out of hospital, which meant sleep overs on her couch while she was recovering. Work, work, and more work. We have started horseback riding at a new farm (my daughter not me lol) once a week. I am going to Zumba twice a week now instead of just once. I also started taking an online class from the local college to possibly get a NEW career. It’s one class but it takes up about 7-8 hours a week of my nightly routine. So to say that I have been busy, and STRESSED is an understatement.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to find time to, or even want to, work out. I can’t seem to get the motivation to do any exercise at home and I’m getting to the point that I don’t even want to go to ZUMBA! Say it isn’t so! My muscles don’t hurt anymore after my class, just my joints…constantly! Which I am sure has something to do with my arthritis and the weather this time of year. I have even quit going to the gym (for now). I don’t know if it’s just me being totally worn out or if it’s the season or a bit of both but I am hoping that I can my shit together really soon.

I have been sticking to the diet given to me by my dietician but I have GAINED 4 pounds in the last month. Maybe 4 pounds doesn’t sound like that much but when I think about how long it took me to lose those 4 pounds (almost a year) it is absolutely terrifying! I think this has also contributed to my non-motivational funk. I feel like I worked so hard to lose that weight and then POOF there is in, right back on.

I am frustrated and unnerved but I am TRYING not to let that get me down 100%. The one thing that I have not been slacking on is my tracking and my meal prep. I am switching up my meal plan AGAIN. Less carb, more veg and protein. More veg is the downfall. Its not that I don’t like veggies, its just that I would rather have fruit and fruit has more sugar. And picking better-for-me items to snack on when I am hungry in between meals.  I need to find the balance and I need to find it NOW!

My NEW meal plan for the following week includes the following:

Breakfast: 240 calories, 54 carbs, 5 grams of protein

  • Quaker Oats-Maple Oatmeal
  • 1 apple

Lunch: 340 calories, 30 carbs, 18 grams of protein

  • 2 home-made chicken wraps with garlic sauce and hummus (pictured below)
  • 1 cup cucumber slices

Snacks:

  • 1 Oikos Greek Yogurt (Raspberry Truffle to curb the sweet cravings after lunch)
  • Dehydrated zuchinni chips (home-made!)
  • 1 Quaker Granola Bar

Dinner: Under 500 calories

  • I now have a TON of veggies on hand that I can pop in the microwave or oven when I get home to go with whatever my wonderful mother has cooked us for dinner. Brussel sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, zucchini etc.
    • I am doing this to include MORE veggies and to make sure that I fill up  more on veggies and less on carbs.

The last change that I made to this week’s meal plan was to incorporate MORE water. I drink plenty of water but had definately been slipping up on this aspect for the past month or so. So I am re-committing myself to drinking more water. My beautiful tumbler that I got for Christmas is sitting on my desk right now, filled to the brim! (Also shown in the pictures below)

These are the pics of my very YUMMY Chicken Wraps with Garlic Sauce and Hummus. If your interested they are super easy to make: 2 small tortillas, 1/2 tsp lebanese garlic spread, 1 tsp hummus, 1/4 cup grilled skinless boneless chicken breast, cucumber slices and romaine lettuce. All under 400 calories.

What are you meal prepping this week? What does your meal plan look like on any given day or week?

 

I Am BEAUTIFUL and I KNOW It

8e60d5c61cce20c7a93746a71d3e1329I am writing this post because today a friend of mine told me that she hated her body. She felt invisible in her life because of her size. That she didn’t love the ‘body positivity’ movement that is happening right now because she didn’t feel like she had anything to feel positive about. She is just so unhappy. I hope she doesn’t mind that I am writing a blog about this, but I feel like I need to. You are not alone in this girlfriend!

For me, I have always been the ‘Big’ girl in the group. I know what it feels like to be invisible, to not love my body or myself.  I suffered from depression for most of my teens into my early to mid twenties. I had no self-confidence, low self-esteem and an awful idea of what my body ‘should’ look like.

When I heard my friend say these things, I was stunned. Honestly, I cried. My heart broke. I realized that the reason I was so upset was because I knew EXACTLY how she felt. I hate to say that I used to feel the exact same as my friend and I hate to hear another woman feeling that way. While I do not love the way my body looks all the time (most of the time) I do love myself no matter what size I am.ellenquote

I am beautiful and I know it. I never used to think that. I used to think that I was ugly. But now, I KNOW that I am beautiful.  When I say “I am beautiful” I’m not ONLY talking about my body, or my face, or my hair (although, on most days I do love those things about myself now). I’m talking about the spunk and positivity that I have.  The love that I have, and show, for other people and for myself. True beauty is about having confidence in your self no matter what. To be comfortable with your self and accepting of your self.

I talk about beauty because I felt invisible for so long and then once I had my daughter I stopped giving a shit about if people ‘saw’ me or not. I started doing things for myself; I started dressing the way I wanted to dress and I accepted my body as is. With all of its rolls and stretch marks and ‘jiggly bits’. Accepting the fact that I was fat, and yes I knew I still had to lose weight, but accepting the fact that I was fat and couldn’t change it right this second made me a more confident woman. When I stopped giving a shit, and started taking care of myself, making time for myself (mind body and soul) I became a much happier person. And you know what happened after I did that? People saw me…and they didn’t just see the physical part of me, but they saw the PERSON, the beautiful WOMAN that I am. And I was ok with that.

I know that I am here, talking about my weight LOSS journey. And I know that it sounds hypocritical to say that I love myself or my body but I want to change it. But I also know that if I didn’t choose to live in the light every day, no matter what SIZE I am, that I would not be the person that I am today.

I still have my doubts and negative thoughts about myself and my body (you can read that in past blog posts lol) and I don’t think that will ever fully go away. Everyone has those doubts and thoughts once in a while. I just choose to live happily and love myself despite that. I hope that you (my friend, and anyone else reading this) can start to see the light in your life and not just the dark.

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Getting My Groove Back

quote-fitness-motivationThis blog is supposed to be real, and full of what I am actually doing with my fitness journey, so that is exactly what I am doing today. Filling you in on my current ‘Journey’ or motivation plateau as I am calling it right now.

These past few weeks have been so hard in terms of motivation and pre planning of my meals. Meal planning, for me, is key! If I don’t prep my meals on the weekends, I eat like crap all week. I don’t make my lunch, therefore I eat out. I don’t bring my breakfast and snacks, therefore I grab a breakfast sandwich with my coffee on the way to work. And working out? A real, muscle-building, cardio fuelled, calorie burning work out? There is not a chance in hell.

These past few weeks have been a bust. It kills me to write this but I have gained back 2 pounds of the 13 pounds that I lost so far this year. I know some people may say well 2 pounds isn’t SO bad. But you know what? I worked my ass off to lose those 2 pounds. It took me weeks to lose those 2 pounds in the first place and I’ve let them come back. I am pissed at myself.

I can feel the difference in my body that ‘JUST’ 2 pounds creates. The unease within myself knowing that they are there. I know this is in my head but with those 2 pounds comes an anxiety that I can feel like no other. ‘What have I done!’ ‘All that work for nothing’ ‘You will never lose the weight that you wanted to lose’.02b6db8964fbd93b4b34cfdd9442aa34

However, this current week has been a little bit different. This week I met up with a friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time. This friend has been through a lot of stuff in his life but he is getting his shit together. In his blog the other day he said:

‘The beauty of life is that it is what we make it. We can choose to stand still, live in negativity…Or we can scrape our sorry asses off the pity train and live! I choose to live!’

I realized, when I read this, that this is EXACTLY what I need to do. I am scraping my sorry ass off the pity train and getting my shit together lol.

Now I may not be ready to hit the gym with him anytime soon BUT I am taking  steps (albeit small) to get that motivation back that I had, not too long ago. Going for walks, Zumba, thinking of putting those DREADED T25 videos back on, or God forbid get on a bicycle haha (that is a funny sight to see). I felt that negative, anxiety filled, energy pulling in a different direction this week. I’ve pinned some new recipes for my weekend meal prep. I’m planning my grocery list as we speak and I will work out MORE than my once a week Zumba class.

This is me, being accountable for my choices and my life. This is me, hitting a small fork in the road. And this is me, getting my groove back.

Have you ever hit a motivation plateau? What did you do to get out of it?

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Yumm-O!

Diet. Diet is an aweful word. Its a FOUR letter word in our house, if you catch my drift. 😉  But diet in terms of what you eat, not necessarily being on a diet, is a huge part of a weight loss journey. At least it really should be. If you are not making a conscious decision to eat healthy(er) then, in my opinion, you are eating yourself to death.

I know that I was personally eatting myself to death. If I kept going the way that I was going I would die much sooner than I wanted to. For me, I make a consious decision to eat healthier every day. Its not easy in any way, in fact its Fucking difficult. Its hard. I dont always eat healthy 100% of the time. I still eat crap that I crave or just really want, but I make a consious choice of putting something into my body instead of doing it absent mindedly like I use to.

I track my calories EVERY DAY, even on my bad days where I just cant seem to fill up.  I have weeks (usually the week before my monthly visitor) where I just want to eat everything in site…and yes it happens. I dont feel too bad about it though because I still have to live my life. I dont want to feel like I’ve deprived myself everyday from things that I want. At the end of the day I still want to feel like I lived a life and really, truely ENJOYED it and that includes eating yummy food!

Anyways, I thought I would post one of my favourite recipes that I am in love with right now. If you know me, then you know that I am addicted to Pinterest! and I have a few boards dedicated to Healthy meals, healthy lunches, healthy snacks etc. Well I found this recipe at Home Cooked Memories and it is to die for! Baked Turkey Meatballs with Spinache.  They are so moist and flavourful that you would not even know that they are under 55 calories each!

I made a big batch and I froze them in a large ziploc bag. Now I just go in when I’m prepping my lunches and grab a few to throw in as my protein. They are amazing when you reheat them, they didn’t seem to dry out at all. This was my lunch today. I used 3 meatballs, 1 cup of Uncle Bens rice and 2 cups of steamed broccoli and cauliflower. You can make your rice or grain however you want, I just choose Uncle Bens for convenience.

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Well here is the recipe and a link to the blog where I found them:

Baked Turkey Meatballs with Spinach

Ingredients
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1 large onion, finely chopped
  • 2 garlic cloves, finely minced
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • ½ teaspoon ground black pepper
  • ¼ teaspoon dried thyme leaves
  • ½ teaspoon dried oregano
  • ¼ – ½ teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes (optional – adjust to your preference)
  • 16 oz frozen chopped spinach (defrosted, drained, and squeezed to remove excess water)
  • 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
  • ⅓ cup chicken broth
  • 2½ lbs lean ground turkey
  • ¾ cup bread crumbs
  • 2 large eggs
Instructions
  1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Prepare a large baking sheet by spraying with cooking spray. I actually line my baking sheet with foil and then spray with cooking spray.
  2. In a frying pan on medium heat, heat olive oil until hot. Then add onion, garlic, salt, pepper, thyme, oregano, and red pepper flakes. Sauté until onion is tender (about 5-6 minutes total time).
  3. Add spinach to pan and combine with onion mixture. Add Worcestershire sauce and chicken broth and mix well to combine. Cook until most of the liquid has cooked out (evaporated). I don’t have much liquid in my pan after I combine all these, but it will depend on how well you drained your spinach. Remove from heat and allow to cool to room temperature.
  4. In a large bowl, combine the turkey, bread crumbs, and egg. Add cooled onion/spinach mixture to the meat. I do all of this step with my hands, but you can use a spoon if you prefer.
  5. 5. With your hands, create meatballs that are about 1 – 1½ inches in diameter and place them on the baking sheet. Leave a little bit of space between each meatball. When you are done shaping your meatballs, you will probably have about 40-42 meatballs from this recipe. Don’t need that many? Freeze them after baking or cut this recipe in half (but I say freeze them and then you’ve done the work only once and have a future meal).
  6. Bake until your meatballs are cooked through with an internal temperature of 160 degrees F – which was about 20 minutes for my oven. Remove from oven and serve as desired.

Truth Hurts!

The truth hurts…and it hurts sooo bad!

My truth is that I havent worked out faithfully in over a month. A workout here, a long walk there, just doesnt add up to the regular workouts that I was used to doing. Because of this, I have lost muscle tone. I havent gained any weight and my clothes are still fitting the same, but I can feel my muscles tiring more easily.

So, I decided that yesterday was my re-start date. Yesterday was really when the truth hit me…and it hit me hard. I did T25 Alpha Cardio and I almost didnt make it! I felt like giving up hald way through. My muscles were not moving like I was used to them moving. This sucked! But honestly, I am so happy that I finished that damn workout.

My plan is to work out 4 nights a week, with a stretch/yoga day thrown in there somewhere. I am going to do T25 Alpha for at least 3 weeks and then Im going to move up to the T25 Beta that I was supposed to start weeks and weeks ago. That is when I plateaud with the workouts…when I was supposed to move up to the next level (Beta). Maybe I was scared, maybe I just got lazy but Im ready now.

I am ready to be strong and fit. I am ready to be a better me than I am right now.

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Panic At The Disco

Just an FYI: This does not have much to do about working out or weight loss or anything like that.

So I am panicking. 100% out of my mind, knot in the pit of my stomach, sweaty palms, cannot concentrate. Why you ask? Because I have 4 days left before I am done at my current job and 8 days until I start a brand new one.

I have been at my job for just shy of 3 years. I love my work family (most of them anyways), and this job is so comfortable. But that’s the problem isn’t it? When we get too comfortable we loose sight of what we wanted out of our careers and out of our lives in general. This job was getting stagnant, so I went out searching and found an amazing opportunity. One that will put me into a more prominent role, as well as, get my creative juices flowing.

I’m ecstatic….but that means leaving this cushy, comfortable job behind that I have worked so hard for the past 3 years. I’m panicking because I know I have SO MUCH work to do before I’m finished, so many loose ends to tie up. I’m panicking because I am going to miss the friends that I have made here. I’m panicking because I start a whole new type of journey in less than 8 days and what if I fail miserably?

I can feel the bile rising in my throat, the knot in my stomach grow just a little tighter at the thought of being finished and starting over somewhere new. The anxiety of walking into a new office with very unfamiliar faces looking at me thinking, “whos the new girl?”.

I am pretty easy going, so I pray that I can get along with everyone just like I did here (at my, now, old job). I pray that I am the right fit for the position like they (my new employers) said that I am. I did originally feel like I was the perfect fit for the job, and that they job was made for me, but now that its mine…Im freaking out lol. I pray that I am good at my new job, please let me be great at it, and successful and love what I do (eventually). I pray that I do not fail. Please God don’t let me fail.

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In A Slump

I was getting into a slump, a rut, getting bored with my day to day workout. I felt like I just needed a little pick me up, something to put me into a better mood when I knew it was time to sweat. I finally realized that I have never bought  workout clothes to actually work out in before.

I have yoga pants, and tanks and big t-shirts that I work out in but I also wear those on a regular basis. I do not have a sports bra of any sort, or any kind of workout gear that would make me feel good about myself. So guess what I went out and bought?

I bought a sports bra (FINALLY) as I was sick of sweating in, and stinking up my good (very expensive) bras. I also bought myself 2 sweat-wicking workout tanks that are pretty cute. Next is a pair of good workout capris and another sports bra and I am all set!

I know that this journey is not about material things. I know that. But sometimes you want to feel good about yourself while on that journey and this is just a step in the right direction. I feel like it helps me get my head into the game, it helps me prepare. It might sound silly to you but I know that when I put those workout clothes on (and I ONLY wear them to work out in) I am going to work and sweat my ass off and that it will be ok.

Its just another step on this journey of mine. And it has definitely given me a pick me up. 🙂

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Ugly Hair, Dont Care. Love my new workout clothes.
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Always smiling ❤

Results

I started this Journey at 231 pounds in December 2014. This was my starting point of KNOWING that I couldn’t live like this any longer. KNOWING that my weight, me being obese, was going to kill me and leave my daughter without her mommy if I didnt start taking care of it.

Today, 6 months after I came to that realization, I am down 13 pounds. To some that may not seem like a lot but for me, it is a huge accomplishment.  I am also down just over 3 inches, 2 of which are in my tummy/waist. I feel stronger and have more energy too.

I realized after I did all of my measurements and weighed in that I have actually reached 2 of my short term goals. 2 goals down, all in 1 day 🙂

  1. Loose 10 pounds
  2. Get under 220 pounds

So I started at 231 pounds. My current weight is 218 pounds (as of last night). I have not been under 220 pounds since I got pregnant with my daughter 8 years ago! People are commenting on my bum and legs looking slimmer, even though they arent measuring a whole lot less than what they were originally. I think this is because they are getting toned. I can feel that I have less skin/fat hanging on the inside of my thighs. My clothing is not fitting differently yet, but I notice that when I look in the mirror my fat bumps above my belly button and above my butt are definitely getting smaller. This too me is a huge step in the right direction.

This all just amazes me. I am so happy with myself for starting this journey. I am also happy because I am still determined to finish it! I havent given up yet, even though it is difficult, even though I have days that I doubt myself entirely. I am building a whole newly improved me and I am ready for this. 🙂