Hospitals Are For Losers

My mom was in the hospital for 3 months.

April, 2018- July, 2018

By April my mom was using a walker full time. She could not go up or down the stairs, so she was stuck on the upper floor of our home. She could not get in or out of her own bed by herself. We had to physically lift her into and out of bed. She used a bed rail to help her turn her own body in the night to reposition herself. She had to wear adult diapers because she could no longer make it to the washroom in time to pee (or more because she was losing bladder control). We couldn’t bathe her as our shower is down 2 flights of stairs and we couldn’t get her in or out of the bathtub either.

By April my mom told us that she wasn’t going to make it to the end of the year. She told us she was dying and she could feel it. In hindsight now, she was right. But at that time we told her once we got it all figured out she would be able to get better. We just had to wait for the doctors.

Since the neurologists (nee: 2 neurologists) could not figure out what in the HELL was wrong with my mom, she asked them to admit her to the hospital until they could figure it out. We could no longer, safely, care for her at home and they hoped that testing and treatments could be provided at a faster rate.

So they admitted her in April. We spent a month and a half mostly sitting on our hands. Some tests were done. Some treatments began while we waited for results to things that she didn’t end up having.

I pushed again for a referral to the neurologist who specializes in ALS, 2.5 hours away from us. The neurologists still said that there was no way she could have ALS. They fought me tooth and nail to give me that referral but in the end I won. We were sent to London at the end of May.

I will never forget that day in all my life.

After fighting with doctors for 6 months we got the answers we didn’t want, but did need. Our mom had ALS. A very rapidly progressing form.

When my mom asked how long the Dr thought she had to live, she said she didn’t know but it would definitely be on the lower end of the “average”.

On average a person with ALS dies between 3-5 years after diagnosis. My mom made it to 7 months.

The only thing my mom said before she started sobbing was “I won’t even get to see Brook graduate”. Those words broke me.

My daughter was 11 and my mom was her other parent. My mom worked sooo hard to help my daughter succeed. She came to every school meeting, every school function, every after school activity. She was the only person in the room when my daughter was born. She helped me care for her every day. She was there for it all. It broke me that, she was more worried about Brook, about us, her family, than anything else.

And it’s not fucking fair.

Christmas Just Wasn’t the Same pt 2

It was quiet in our house Christmas morning. We opened presents and loved on each other more than ever. For New Years we went to my aunt and uncles for a few nights. My mom could barely make it up their stairs to bed at night. We had to help her walk from room to room by letting her hold our arm for support.

Christmas 2018 came and went. And with it, any good feelings we had of mom possibly getting better without intervention.

We saw doctor after doctor. Specialist upon specialist. The neurologists are where we stopped. 3 neurologists in fact.

First were tests. So many tests.

And then possible diagnosis after possible diagnosis. Everyone was sure it was MS. “Definitely MS” the doctors said, but the tests confirmed it was NOT MS. Then it was clearly brain cancer. Then “It has to be cancer hiding somewhere in your body” all of the doctors were sure. But all of the tests confirmed it was NOT cancer of any kind. Then it was an autoimmune disease, then definitely Lyme disease, then definitely an infection in your brain, definitely, definitely, definitely.

I knew what is was. I am not a doctor. Or anyone in the medical field. But I KNEW.

I asked both neurologists “could this possibly be ALS?”. The answer was always no. “No way, ALS is not this rapid. This is not what ALS looks like. This is not ALS”.

Then came the 3 month long hospital stay.

Christmas Just Wasn’t The Same

My mom was diagnosed with ALS. She is dying, and I am her main caregiver, along with my dad and sister.

This story is hers to tell but she can no longer do that. ALS is taking everything she has, including her voice.  So I am giving everything I have to her. I may at times sound selfish but the reality is that she gets everything I have and nothing is left over at the end of the day. This story is hers to tell but I’m going to tell it instead.

In mid November 2018 (less than a year before this post) my mom got sick. She came down with a high fever and weakness all over her body. Cold sweats, freezing but hot to the touch, couldn’t stand on her own, couldn’t keep her balance. She stuck it out and felt better after a day or 2 in bed.

1-2 weeks later my mom got sick again. The same kind of sick but worse than the first time. After a day of this fever, we brought her to the hospital because she could not stand or walk on her own. They diagnosed her with a severe bladder infection and possible lung infection.

After some meds, she felt better but her left leg was still weak and she would lose her balance often. She got tests on her lungs and bladder and all came back well and good after antibiotics.

A month or so goes by and the weakness in her leg and her balance kept getting worse but she pushed through. She was such a champ. We went on with life as usual. Hanging out, playing with our new pupper, Christmas was around the corner! But the Christmas spirit just wasn’t there for our family. We knew something was very wrong.

We couldn’t muster the energy or spirit to decorate, bake our traditional Christmas cookies, or even get my mom to go shopping. These were my mom’s usual things to do at Christmas. She loved this time of year and would set up our Christmas tree with lights and we would all decorate it together, she would put silly decorations everywhere, and get the lights and scenes put up outside. Every year of my life, we have decorated the Christmas tree as a family. That didn’t happen this past Christmas.

I put the tree up myself, strung the lights myself, and helped my daughter to decorate the tree just her and I. I didn’t put up my Christmas village, or extra lights outside. I didn’t wrap the banisters with ribbon or tinsel or bulbs. I didn’t put our wreaths on the doors or Santa pictures on the walls. I didn’t put the star on top of the tree. I didn’t put THE STAR ON TOP OF THE TREE!

Something was wrong but we didn’t know what. By early to mid December my mom’s leg was beginning to drag just a little bit and she was dizzy often. She said it felt like her leg was just not connected to her body, it just wouldn’t listen to what her brain told it to do. She would hold on to things if she needed steadying, but you could tell the dizziness made her tired. The doctors were convinced that she had vertigo. A really bad case of it, but vertigo none the less.

Let me tell you, that vertigo is no where near what was wrong with my mom. But it would take us another 6 months, lots of fighting with doctors, a 3 month hospital stay, and time away from our family, to find out exactly what was happening with our mother.

(to be continued)

 

Its Been a Minute

Hello WordPress world!!

Wow it’s been a minute.

Recently, a good friend of mine told me that I need to start writing again. My life has been flipped upside down and I just don’t know which way is up anymore. So with her great advice of “it will help you” here I am, beginning over.

This post, or even the rest of my blog, may not be about ‘fitness’ or getting healthy or anything in particular. I am just going to write what I need to write, for myself. If it inspires people, cool. If it doesn’t and everyone hates it, that’s cool too.

Newest update on my life?

My daughter is 11. She has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.

We got a pupper that I am training to be her service doggo.

My mom is dying, quickly. She was diagnosed with ALS a few months ago. They do not think she will stay with us very much longer.

I am taking a leave of absence from my job to take care of her.

I am not working out. Or eating right. And I don’t care at this moment in my life.

I’m bitter and resentful and completely lost in life.

I am still me.

Stand Up For Yourself-Even If Nobody Is On Your Side

So we all know how mean kids can be right? Calling names, ignoring people, telling other kids that they don’t want to play with them. You get the idea.

My daughter takes all of those things right to heart. Even raising your voice totally overwhelms her. She has been having a hard time lately with kids in her school and daycare being mean. I get that most kids have their moments, call someone a name or do something that may hurt someone else, but I also think that everyone has a right to their own feelings and body. Everyone also has a right to stand up for those feelings and their body or personal space whenever someone is infringing upon it. So now let me tell you how the last 2 days have gone in our house.

Yesterday morning I picked out my daughter’s clothes for her and asked her to get dressed. The first pair of pants that I picked out for her were too small (no big deal), “Here are your favourite jogging pants instead” I said to her. She looked at them and broke down in tears. “I can’t wear those! They make me look FAT and STUPID”.

EXCUSE ME? First of all, let me point out, that we do not use the word FAT in our house (in my blog yes I do, but not in spoken word). I grew up with body image issues. I know what that one word can do to a little girl, even when said indirectly. Even as I am working on my fitness I do not say that I am trying to lose weight or I think I’m fat etc. I say that I am trying to become healthier and stronger.

So I asked her, “What do you mean they make you look fat and stupid? They are your favourite. Your look great in them, you feel good in them. Who made you think those mean things about yourself?” Well apparently, the last time that she wore these particular pants, a girl at daycare told her that those pants made her look fat and it was a stupid outfit that she wearing. My daughter, being herself, did not say anything back to this girl or stand up for herself at all. She just was sad about it. After a bit of coaxing she ended up wearing those pants confidently with the attitude that if this ‘mean girl’ says something again my daughter would tell her that she was being rude and basically to get lost lol

Now onto last night. My daughter came home from school and told me that something had ‘happened’ to her at recess today. Apparently, while playing with a small group of kids, one of the boys asked her to take a look at something. She didn’t want to so he decided to force her head against the fence and hold her there until she looked. No teacher saw, no one did anything, including my daughter. She said she cried because it hurt and told him to quit but he didn’t.

Honestly, I lost my shit at this point. Not going to lie. Seriously? WTF?

So my best parenting advice came out at this point. I told my daughter that if anyone EVER does this to her again…to punch them. I told her that if anyone touches a part of her body without her permission to kick their ass. Lay them out. Push, punch, kick. Whatever you have to do to protect your own body. That is YOUR body and YOUR personal space. NOONE is allowed to enter it without your permission.

She was scared of getting into trouble at school but I reassured her that if that happened she would be ok at home. Obviously I stressed that we do not START fights. We do not hit because we don’t like someone or something or just for no reason. That is important. But as a child, as a girl, she has every right to protect herself.

Do I regret giving her this advice? HELL NO. It’s the truth! Everyone has a right to their own feelings and their own bodies. Do I hope that she punches someone? Not necessarily. But I hope that she does learn to stand up for herself one day. We all have to protect ourselves, no one else will.

 

ADHD Life-A bad day

This is an older post that I wrote on a bad day. At the time I had decided not to post it because…*what would people think?!* But if you have read my blog, then you know that I try to be honest…sometimes to a fault.

I am going to post this today because well, I cannot be the only mother who has ever felt this way at one time or another.  This is not a constant feeling, it was just a feeling in the moment. This does not make me a bad mom, it makes me a REAL mom. A real PERSON.

A Bad Day

As I sit at the dinner table all by myself, tears falling into my untouched plate of food, I wonder if anyone else has ever had a moment where they hate their child?

It sounds so awful. I cried just thinking it. But I have had moments, like right now, where I have hated my daughter.

Maybe it is not hate towards her, maybe it is hate towards the life that we live or the way that we have to behave or the uncontrollable screaming and name calling that is coming from the other room.

It only lasts a few minutes. I should be able to handle it. But when your child is calling you an awful mother, screaming it at you with such venom, saying they don’t want to live because you are so awful, over and over, it is hard to keep your composure.

When we have a good day, it is SO GOOD. When we have a bad day, it is SO BAD. Sometimes it only affects the time that the ‘BAD’ takes place but a lot of time it puts tension on the entire day and it is so hard to shake it off.

Patience mommies…patience. It will get better.

-3rd Generation Mommy

I Ate a Cookie for Breakfast Because Adulting Is Hard

I ate a cookie for breakfast because adulting is hard.

Well folks, I have been adulting for some time now (about 9 years to be exact) and it’s really NOT all it’s cracked up to be. Actually it totally sucks if I am being honest.

Ahh the memories of when life was easy. Not a care in the world. I didn’t have someone else to think about or take care of. It was all about me! Sometimes I wish I could just have a day with no responsibilities. Be able to lay on the couch and watch the new line up of T.G.I.F. and not hear ‘mom could you get me a drink’ or feel the nagging of the dreaded TO DO LIST in the back of my brain. I’d love to be able to eat a pizza and ice cream and not have to worry about it going straight to my ASS or affecting my blood sugar. I would love to get up in the morning and get MYSELF ready and all dolled up and not be worrying about packing lunches and brushing little people’s hair and the melt downs that will come when *God Forbid* you cannot find the shoes that match her shirt!!

Adulting sucks. Along with adulting (at least for me) comes meal prepping  and this past weekend was a shit show of meal prepping madness. While having a chat with a girlfriend of mine I made the comment that meal prepping sucked. Her response? BLOG ABOUT IT! KEEP IT REAL! So that’s what I am doing.

Meal prepping SUCKS. Don’t get me wrong, I love the after effects of a good meal prep; the grab and go lunches, no time spent during the week getting things cut or put together. But that is not to say that meal prepping is easy. It is expensive and time consuming. As a single mom I try to spend most of my free time (which is not very much) with my daughter. Especially doing exciting things or going on special outings on the weekend. This does not leave a whole lot of time to get my grocery shopping AND a full meal prep done. Not to mention how bloody expensive healthy food costs! It is insane.

This is WAY better than meal prepping ❤            Corn mazes in the rain ❤

This weekend was no exception. Its fall and with that comes a fun family outing of going apple picking and walking through corn mazes and haunted houses. With all the fun comes the dreaded ‘responsibility’ *blech!*. I know balance is key but honestly its hard. Grocery shopping, cooking 3 separate meals (2 meal preps and 1 dinner for the fam jam), and then chopping veggies and fruit and putting everything together…IT TAKES HOURS.

 

*GASP* ‘You mean to tell me that you can’t take a few hours out of a Sunday afternoon to meal prep?’ *GASP*

Obviously I CAN and I DID, but that doesn’t mean I can’t bitch about it in the process lol And do you know what all that meal prepping got me? It got me forgetting my healthy breakfast burrito at home and eating a damn chocolate chip cookie in its place! And you know what? FUCK IT. I don’t even care because I love me some chocolate chip cookies for breakfast LOL

Chocolate chip cookies and coffee? There is NO BETTER PAIR. YUMMO!

I will post my ACTUAL meal prep recipes soon because well..they are the BOMB-DOT-COM. But for now…this is your safe place! Please feel free to bitch or share (as the adults call it) about your meal prep, workout, or adulting stories/dilemmas/issues/likes/dislikes. Have at it! Let me hear it!

Meal Prep Monday-Chicken Fajita Bowls

Ok I know its Tuesday BUT I was busy yesterday so you get this post today instead!

I LOVE Buddah Bowls…or anything that can be mixed into a big bowl of goodness. That is what inspired this dish and my Meal Prep for this week and let me tell you…these were AMAZING! I actually did NOT get sick of eating this AND I was sad when I had eaten them all. That’s saying something after eating them for 4 days in a row haha.

For breakfast I had 1 package of melba toasts with 2tbs of peanut butter spread between them and a piece of fruit, usually an apple or orange. The melba toast and peanut butter gave me the carb and protein that I need and the fruit is great for giving me a little more fiber and carb as well as balancing my meal and keeping me full longer. For lunch I had my Chicken Fajita Buddah bowls.

I had enough fixins left over for another bowl (minus the chicken) so I added 1/2 an avacado instead. YUMMO!

Ingredients:

• 3 boneless-skinless chicken breasts
• 1tsp Mrs. Dash Southwest seasoning
• 1 jar salsa (I like mild but you can use whatever you want)
• 1 LARGE red onion sliced in skinny strips
• 2 bell peppers sliced in skinny strips
• 3 cups (uncooked) Tru Roots Sprouted Rice and Quinoa blend
• 1 cup frozen corn
• Shredded cheddar cheese
• Cilantro
• Salt and Pepper
• Cooking spray
• 4 bowls or containers that can be put into the microwave to re-heat!

Instructions:

1. Pre-heat oven to 400F or 200C
2. Spray sheet pan with cooking spray and lay the chicken breast in the middle with the sliced peppers on one side and the onion on the other
3. Sprinkle Mrs. Dash Southwest seasoning on both sides of chicken (add any other spices you may want) and salt and pepper on everything, including peppers and onion.
4. Pour salsa, evenly, over the chicken breasts.
5. Bake in the oven until the chicken is cooked through (about 25 minutes).
6. While the chicken cooks, make your quinoa blend by following the directions on the package.
7. Once everything is cooked start layering all of the items together in containers!
8. To layer I start with my quinoa blend (1 cup) in each of the 4 bowls.
9. Put ¼ cup of corn into each bowl on top of the quinoa.
10. Divide peppers and onions evenly between the bowls and put them beside the corn.
11. Then I slice up my chicken and divide that into the bowls.
12. Top with a pinch of cheddar cheese and cilantro (optional).

These will keep for 4-5 days in the refrigerator so stack them up and grab 1 on your way out the door!

I feel like this looks like a lot of steps but I promise its not and it is SUPER easy! Like the easiest recipe I have made while meal prepping! Only 1 pan and 1 pot are used to make the WHOLE THING! You cannot beat that lol

Finished product!!

Are you doing any awesome meal preps? Please share! I am always looking for new ideas 🙂

Meal Prep Monday! Egg Cups and Tilapia Recipes

WOAH! I have been slacking on my meal prep blogging lately.

Even though the blog has been lacking that does not mean my meal prep game is not on fleek! Because it is and has been since I started cracking the whip 2 weeks ago.

My goals the past few weeks, in terms of my diet, are to decrease my carb (starch) intake and increase my protein intake. Easier said than done because, lets face it, I LOVE me some CARBS. Bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, CHIPS, all the starchy goodness lol BUT I need to cut back on them (not eliminate them completely) so that I can put less insulin into my body and HOPEFULLY lose some damn weight!

I am back to my Zumba classes twice a week and with my Fit with Type 1 Diabetes challenge I also have 2 other nights that I work out as well. Maybe this will be exactly what my body needs to kick start this weight loss that I so desperately need.

My breakfast last week was ham and egg cups. These were SO good and kept me full all the way to lunch. I ate them with melba toasts as my starch as they are a great lower carb option.

For the ham and egg cups I placed slices of ham into muffin tins, pushing them in so that they were at the bottom of the tin and right up against the sides like a cup. Once the ham was in, I added some chopped mushrooms and cracked an egg into each muffin hole. I sprinkled the tops with salt and pepper and green onion, then I baked them at 325F for about 20 minutes or until the eggs were set. Once they were completely cooled I stored them in an airtight container in the fridge. Each morning I would grab 2-3 and pop them in the microwave for about 30 seconds and ate them warm because we all know I love a hot breakfast!

My lunch last week was tilapia with Brussel sprouts/yellow squash and PC brand quinoa, corn and black bean blend (yes from the frozen food isle).

I put the tilapia in tin-foil with olive oil, lemon juice and salt and pepper and put it on the barbecue for about 20 minutes. It was delicious.

The Brussel sprouts and squash were steamed and then mixed in with PC brand quinoa corn and black bean blend.

The quinoa blend was a little bit spicy all by itself BUT onces the Brussel sprouts were added in, it was perfect. Quinoa is a great carb choice as it has a lot of nutrients and is considered a ‘good’ carb. It is a great replacement for white rice or pasta.

My snacks consisted of cut up oranges, nectarines, and cucumber with a mini babybell cheese!

There you have it. My first week back to meal prepping and I didn’t do too shabby (even if I do say so myself). I have saved money by not going out to eat WHILE eating a much healthier diet. I still eat out once a week but that’s ok. It is my treat to myself ❤

 

 

Step Goal Schmep Goal

Finally some good news… I hit my 10,000 step goal 3 days in a row this weekend. I even surpassed it on Saturday getting in a whopping 13,266 steps! WOOHOO

Now to get real. Talking to a girlfriend yesterday I told her that I felt like 10,000 steps is really unrealistic for me. It will take me hours after work to get these steps in…hours that I honestly do not have at the moment. So she suggested maybe a smaller goal to start off with instead of such a big one that I don’t feel great about. So that is exactly what I am going to do. I will start a little smaller and once I am hitting that goal on a regular basis THEN I will up the goal again until I reach the final goal of 10,000 steps. Does that make sense?

Trying to hit that 10,000 step goal has stressed me out every day and made me feel like a failure. And feeling like a failure is not something I do well.

On a normal day I reach an average of 4,000-5,000 (at the MOST) steps. I am changing my goal to 6,000 steps every day this week. I think that this is a little more realistic for me and hopefully will help me to accomplish something and start getting back into the grind. I need to be doing things that make me food GOOD about myself and not think negatively. I definitely think this will push me in the right direction. Plus..the turtle won the race didn’t he? Lol

I did get back on the Meal Prepping wagon this week and killed it with my lunches and snacks. I also got all the meal prepping done for my daughter’s lunches too, as she heads back to school on her first day of Grade 4 this morning. My meal prep included lower carb and higher protein lunches and breakfasts but I will do another post on that soon!

I also joined a new challenge group! If you have read my blog before, then you know how much I love a good challenge group :D. This challenge group is a bit different than the others though. It’s different because while it is a fitness based challenge group, it is aactually a group that is only for diabetics. Specifically Type 1 Diabetics like ME!

This is amazing because there are NO other groups like this. It is focused on helping you figure out how your body and blood sugars react to certain workouts and how to deal with them so that you can complete a really GOOD workout without worrying as much about blood sugar crashes or spikes. They post workouts 3 days a week and have really great healthy recipes that I will definitely be trying. They have diabetes related challenges every day as well.

I am feeling really excited about this, as well as conquering my meal prep this week, so I would say that I am on the road to success! Even if that road has a few bumps or turns that I have to navigate.

P.S.

We got to have a little fun this long weekend as well. Spent some time riding all the crazy rides at our hometown fair ❤ She loves her carnival rides…me? not so much lol