Hospitals Are For Losers

My mom was in the hospital for 3 months.

April, 2018- July, 2018

By April my mom was using a walker full time. She could not go up or down the stairs, so she was stuck on the upper floor of our home. She could not get in or out of her own bed by herself. We had to physically lift her into and out of bed. She used a bed rail to help her turn her own body in the night to reposition herself. She had to wear adult diapers because she could no longer make it to the washroom in time to pee (or more because she was losing bladder control). We couldn’t bathe her as our shower is down 2 flights of stairs and we couldn’t get her in or out of the bathtub either.

By April my mom told us that she wasn’t going to make it to the end of the year. She told us she was dying and she could feel it. In hindsight now, she was right. But at that time we told her once we got it all figured out she would be able to get better. We just had to wait for the doctors.

Since the neurologists (nee: 2 neurologists) could not figure out what in the HELL was wrong with my mom, she asked them to admit her to the hospital until they could figure it out. We could no longer, safely, care for her at home and they hoped that testing and treatments could be provided at a faster rate.

So they admitted her in April. We spent a month and a half mostly sitting on our hands. Some tests were done. Some treatments began while we waited for results to things that she didn’t end up having.

I pushed again for a referral to the neurologist who specializes in ALS, 2.5 hours away from us. The neurologists still said that there was no way she could have ALS. They fought me tooth and nail to give me that referral but in the end I won. We were sent to London at the end of May.

I will never forget that day in all my life.

After fighting with doctors for 6 months we got the answers we didn’t want, but did need. Our mom had ALS. A very rapidly progressing form.

When my mom asked how long the Dr thought she had to live, she said she didn’t know but it would definitely be on the lower end of the “average”.

On average a person with ALS dies between 3-5 years after diagnosis. My mom made it to 7 months.

The only thing my mom said before she started sobbing was “I won’t even get to see Brook graduate”. Those words broke me.

My daughter was 11 and my mom was her other parent. My mom worked sooo hard to help my daughter succeed. She came to every school meeting, every school function, every after school activity. She was the only person in the room when my daughter was born. She helped me care for her every day. She was there for it all. It broke me that, she was more worried about Brook, about us, her family, than anything else.

And it’s not fucking fair.

Christmas Just Wasn’t the Same pt 2

It was quiet in our house Christmas morning. We opened presents and loved on each other more than ever. For New Years we went to my aunt and uncles for a few nights. My mom could barely make it up their stairs to bed at night. We had to help her walk from room to room by letting her hold our arm for support.

Christmas 2018 came and went. And with it, any good feelings we had of mom possibly getting better without intervention.

We saw doctor after doctor. Specialist upon specialist. The neurologists are where we stopped. 3 neurologists in fact.

First were tests. So many tests.

And then possible diagnosis after possible diagnosis. Everyone was sure it was MS. “Definitely MS” the doctors said, but the tests confirmed it was NOT MS. Then it was clearly brain cancer. Then “It has to be cancer hiding somewhere in your body” all of the doctors were sure. But all of the tests confirmed it was NOT cancer of any kind. Then it was an autoimmune disease, then definitely Lyme disease, then definitely an infection in your brain, definitely, definitely, definitely.

I knew what is was. I am not a doctor. Or anyone in the medical field. But I KNEW.

I asked both neurologists “could this possibly be ALS?”. The answer was always no. “No way, ALS is not this rapid. This is not what ALS looks like. This is not ALS”.

Then came the 3 month long hospital stay.

Christmas Just Wasn’t The Same

My mom was diagnosed with ALS. She is dying, and I am her main caregiver, along with my dad and sister.

This story is hers to tell but she can no longer do that. ALS is taking everything she has, including her voice.  So I am giving everything I have to her. I may at times sound selfish but the reality is that she gets everything I have and nothing is left over at the end of the day. This story is hers to tell but I’m going to tell it instead.

In mid November 2018 (less than a year before this post) my mom got sick. She came down with a high fever and weakness all over her body. Cold sweats, freezing but hot to the touch, couldn’t stand on her own, couldn’t keep her balance. She stuck it out and felt better after a day or 2 in bed.

1-2 weeks later my mom got sick again. The same kind of sick but worse than the first time. After a day of this fever, we brought her to the hospital because she could not stand or walk on her own. They diagnosed her with a severe bladder infection and possible lung infection.

After some meds, she felt better but her left leg was still weak and she would lose her balance often. She got tests on her lungs and bladder and all came back well and good after antibiotics.

A month or so goes by and the weakness in her leg and her balance kept getting worse but she pushed through. She was such a champ. We went on with life as usual. Hanging out, playing with our new pupper, Christmas was around the corner! But the Christmas spirit just wasn’t there for our family. We knew something was very wrong.

We couldn’t muster the energy or spirit to decorate, bake our traditional Christmas cookies, or even get my mom to go shopping. These were my mom’s usual things to do at Christmas. She loved this time of year and would set up our Christmas tree with lights and we would all decorate it together, she would put silly decorations everywhere, and get the lights and scenes put up outside. Every year of my life, we have decorated the Christmas tree as a family. That didn’t happen this past Christmas.

I put the tree up myself, strung the lights myself, and helped my daughter to decorate the tree just her and I. I didn’t put up my Christmas village, or extra lights outside. I didn’t wrap the banisters with ribbon or tinsel or bulbs. I didn’t put our wreaths on the doors or Santa pictures on the walls. I didn’t put the star on top of the tree. I didn’t put THE STAR ON TOP OF THE TREE!

Something was wrong but we didn’t know what. By early to mid December my mom’s leg was beginning to drag just a little bit and she was dizzy often. She said it felt like her leg was just not connected to her body, it just wouldn’t listen to what her brain told it to do. She would hold on to things if she needed steadying, but you could tell the dizziness made her tired. The doctors were convinced that she had vertigo. A really bad case of it, but vertigo none the less.

Let me tell you, that vertigo is no where near what was wrong with my mom. But it would take us another 6 months, lots of fighting with doctors, a 3 month hospital stay, and time away from our family, to find out exactly what was happening with our mother.

(to be continued)

 

Its Been a Minute

Hello WordPress world!!

Wow it’s been a minute.

Recently, a good friend of mine told me that I need to start writing again. My life has been flipped upside down and I just don’t know which way is up anymore. So with her great advice of “it will help you” here I am, beginning over.

This post, or even the rest of my blog, may not be about ‘fitness’ or getting healthy or anything in particular. I am just going to write what I need to write, for myself. If it inspires people, cool. If it doesn’t and everyone hates it, that’s cool too.

Newest update on my life?

My daughter is 11. She has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.

We got a pupper that I am training to be her service doggo.

My mom is dying, quickly. She was diagnosed with ALS a few months ago. They do not think she will stay with us very much longer.

I am taking a leave of absence from my job to take care of her.

I am not working out. Or eating right. And I don’t care at this moment in my life.

I’m bitter and resentful and completely lost in life.

I am still me.

Confidence Is Key

Self Confidence

Who would have thought, over a year ago, I would feel this good?

It is crazy to believe that when I started this journey I actually felt like crap. Physically and mentally.

A year ago I was always down on myself. I felt ugly and fat and uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt like none of my clothes fit properly and that everyone judged me on how big I was. I was SUPER quiet and introverted when out without my best friends. I couldn’t make it up the stairs at work without getting out of breath. My blood sugars were out of control! I really felt like I was going nowhere in this life of mine.

It is crazy what a year and a half can do. My confidence is at an all time high and I feel great, physically. I actually take selfies and LOVE the way I look. I know its not all about how I look but in all reality, the way I felt about my body totally brought me down. Not saying that I don’t still have those days, everyone does, but they are fewer and farther between. I rely on my girlfriends, in those low times, to help me remember where I have been and where I am going.

What really made me want to write this post was my Zumba class. Zumba is fast paced and you are constantly moving. Shaking your hips, squatting, skipping, jumping, among other things. It is hard but it is SO FUN. When I first started this class I could barely make it through. I did a totally modified version because the jumping and fast paced moves seemed totally impossible. At that time, they were impossible. It HURT to jump, it hurt to do a million calf raise dances, and it sucked! I could not get my body to do what I wanted.

Anyways, in time (AKA a year and a half later), I have built up my stamina, my strength and my stability. I’ve been able to make it through classes without needing to sit out for half of the songs. I am now able to make it through all of the songs in a class and put WAY MORE effort into them. I have even been able to do a lot of the jumping moves that I thought would always be impossible. I still cannot do all of the jumping for the whole class. I still sometimes take 1 song to sit out if I am absolutely winded. I still slack sometimes when I feel like crap. But all of those things are ok because I know that I CAN do it. I AM doing it.

You need to know that the key to a successful fitness journey is not being able to workout hard and for long periods of time. It is not going to the gym and being able to run for an hour on the treadmill or lift 50lb weights or complete an ENTIRE Zumba class. The key to a successful fitness journey is to begin. Begin and keep going no matter how little you can do at first. When I first started with T25 I could only do about 15 minutes before I felt like I wanted to puke. So I did as much as I could and then I stopped and I didn’t feel bad about it because I did SOMETHING.

Just start with something little. Go for a walk, do a 10 minute workout from you tube, take as many breaks as you need to but keep going!

I may not be anywhere near where I want to be. I am not yet be close to my long term goals. I have had set backs but I keep on going and one day I will get there!

This is my Journey ❤

 

Meal Prep Monday- Our New Breakfast FAVE!

 

 

 

Our new breakfast favourite

I know that I have already posted many breakfast recipes but I just cant help it! Breakfast is my absolute favourite, especially when it is something warm and flavourful. MMM.

So I have a new breakfast favourite and wouldn’t you know it…my daughter LOVES them too. Like refuses to eat anything else (I think I may have created a breakfast monster).

Instead of just plain hard boiled eggs or even egg muffins or peanut butter melba toast that I have been eating previously, I decided to make Lentil and Egg Breakfast Burritos. They are SO versatile, can be made with healthy alternatives and WHO doesn’t love a burrito of any kind?? The lentils add the extra protein that you need and will keep you full and it covers that craving for meat and that I get at breakfast time.

Another reason that I love these Breakfast Burritos is that you can freeze them! This makes it easy to grab them out of the freezer the night before and they are ready for you in the morning. Grab N Go! I made a big batch so we are good to go all week, into next week.

I have made them twice now and I will include both variations just for an idea of how to change it up!

Ingredients:

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This is only about 1/4 of the burrito left after I started eating it lol

 

  • 8 12” Tortillas OR 12 6” tortillas (I used whole wheat)
  • 10 eggs
  • 1tsp oregano
  • 1 red bell pepper, chopped small
  • 1 onion, chopped small
  • 1 zucchinni, chopped small
  • 1 cup lentils uncooked or about 2 cups lentils cooked
  • 1tsp Olive oil
  • S&P to taste

Directions:

  1. Cook 1 cup of lentils (follow package directions) or use canned.
  2. Let lentils cool.
  3. Heat olive oil in a non-stick frying pan over medium high heat.
  4. Cook onion until starting to turn translucent, about 3 minutes.
  5. Add your pepper and zucchini and cook until soft, about 5 minutes (this is where you could use your variations).
  6. While your veggies cook, scramble your eggs and oregano. Normally you would add water or milk to scramble eggs but I don’t because I find it gets too watery when you re-heat your burrito later.
  7. Once veggies are cooked, add in your scrambled eggs AND lentils
  8. Scramble until eggs are cooked through. I sometimes will use a lid if the eggs are not cooking as quickly as I would like.
  9. Once everything is finished cooking let it all cool. Shred your cheese while you wait.

Building Your Burritos

  1. Lay out your tortillas
  2. Place about 3-4 rounded table spoons of egg mixture onto the tortilla
  3. Add a pinch of cheese
  4. Roll them up. I use the fold two sides in, then fold down the top and fold the bottom up. But whatever works best for you so that all of your ‘stuff’ stays INSIDE the burrito.
  5. Wrap them with saran wrap and either put them in the fridge or (if you won’t be eating them all right away) put them ALL in a Ziploc freezer bag and put them in the freezer.
  6. Take a frozen burrito out the day before you want it or you can heat from frozen. I usually do about 30 seconds per side for my thawed burritos, add an extra 30ish seconds for a frozen one!

Variations I have used besides this recipe include: red peppers and mushrooms with cheddar and feta cheese, spinach and mushroom with mozzarella cheese. Throw in whatever veggies you love to eat and I am sure it will be good!

Let me know if you try this and what you think. Or if you have any tried and true meal prep recipes that can be FROZEN let me know that too!

ADHD Life-A bad day

This is an older post that I wrote on a bad day. At the time I had decided not to post it because…*what would people think?!* But if you have read my blog, then you know that I try to be honest…sometimes to a fault.

I am going to post this today because well, I cannot be the only mother who has ever felt this way at one time or another.  This is not a constant feeling, it was just a feeling in the moment. This does not make me a bad mom, it makes me a REAL mom. A real PERSON.

A Bad Day

As I sit at the dinner table all by myself, tears falling into my untouched plate of food, I wonder if anyone else has ever had a moment where they hate their child?

It sounds so awful. I cried just thinking it. But I have had moments, like right now, where I have hated my daughter.

Maybe it is not hate towards her, maybe it is hate towards the life that we live or the way that we have to behave or the uncontrollable screaming and name calling that is coming from the other room.

It only lasts a few minutes. I should be able to handle it. But when your child is calling you an awful mother, screaming it at you with such venom, saying they don’t want to live because you are so awful, over and over, it is hard to keep your composure.

When we have a good day, it is SO GOOD. When we have a bad day, it is SO BAD. Sometimes it only affects the time that the ‘BAD’ takes place but a lot of time it puts tension on the entire day and it is so hard to shake it off.

Patience mommies…patience. It will get better.

-3rd Generation Mommy

I Ate a Cookie for Breakfast Because Adulting Is Hard

I ate a cookie for breakfast because adulting is hard.

Well folks, I have been adulting for some time now (about 9 years to be exact) and it’s really NOT all it’s cracked up to be. Actually it totally sucks if I am being honest.

Ahh the memories of when life was easy. Not a care in the world. I didn’t have someone else to think about or take care of. It was all about me! Sometimes I wish I could just have a day with no responsibilities. Be able to lay on the couch and watch the new line up of T.G.I.F. and not hear ‘mom could you get me a drink’ or feel the nagging of the dreaded TO DO LIST in the back of my brain. I’d love to be able to eat a pizza and ice cream and not have to worry about it going straight to my ASS or affecting my blood sugar. I would love to get up in the morning and get MYSELF ready and all dolled up and not be worrying about packing lunches and brushing little people’s hair and the melt downs that will come when *God Forbid* you cannot find the shoes that match her shirt!!

Adulting sucks. Along with adulting (at least for me) comes meal prepping  and this past weekend was a shit show of meal prepping madness. While having a chat with a girlfriend of mine I made the comment that meal prepping sucked. Her response? BLOG ABOUT IT! KEEP IT REAL! So that’s what I am doing.

Meal prepping SUCKS. Don’t get me wrong, I love the after effects of a good meal prep; the grab and go lunches, no time spent during the week getting things cut or put together. But that is not to say that meal prepping is easy. It is expensive and time consuming. As a single mom I try to spend most of my free time (which is not very much) with my daughter. Especially doing exciting things or going on special outings on the weekend. This does not leave a whole lot of time to get my grocery shopping AND a full meal prep done. Not to mention how bloody expensive healthy food costs! It is insane.

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This is WAY better than meal prepping ❤            Corn mazes in the rain ❤

This weekend was no exception. Its fall and with that comes a fun family outing of going apple picking and walking through corn mazes and haunted houses. With all the fun comes the dreaded ‘responsibility’ *blech!*. I know balance is key but honestly its hard. Grocery shopping, cooking 3 separate meals (2 meal preps and 1 dinner for the fam jam), and then chopping veggies and fruit and putting everything together…IT TAKES HOURS.

 

*GASP* ‘You mean to tell me that you can’t take a few hours out of a Sunday afternoon to meal prep?’ *GASP*

Obviously I CAN and I DID, but that doesn’t mean I can’t bitch about it in the process lol And do you know what all that meal prepping got me? It got me forgetting my healthy breakfast burrito at home and eating a damn chocolate chip cookie in its place! And you know what? FUCK IT. I don’t even care because I love me some chocolate chip cookies for breakfast LOL

Chocolate chip cookies and coffee? There is NO BETTER PAIR. YUMMO!

I will post my ACTUAL meal prep recipes soon because well..they are the BOMB-DOT-COM. But for now…this is your safe place! Please feel free to bitch or share (as the adults call it) about your meal prep, workout, or adulting stories/dilemmas/issues/likes/dislikes. Have at it! Let me hear it!

Step Goals-EPIC FAIL

 Alright I am just going to be honest here. I have NOT been achieving my goals this week.

I am definitely getting more steps each day than I have been previously but not getting anywhere near my 10,000 step goal. I am telling you because I thought I needed to be honest with myself. I thought I needed to be honest with YOU (whoever actually reads this).

This shit is hard.

I walked at lunch the first 2 days of this week and I STILL hurt. My thighs and calves KILL. Which is awful because, while we did go at a very fast pace, we only went for 30 minutes each time! My muscles should NOT get this tired this quickly. Cant even believe it.

I have walked 2 out of 4 days at lunch. Appointments kept me from getting those other two lunch time walking dates in. By the time I get home its dinner, laundry, lunches, kid in bed and then I am exhausted and go to bed. I literally fell asleep IN my daughter’s bed with her last night at 9PM. I am one tired momma!

Trying to get up more often from my desk and move around is also proving difficult in my line of work. Fielding calls every few minutes, inbetween the constant berating of emails and meetings. It gets crazy! I know…I need to just get it done! I need to just make it a point to get up and go for a 5 minute walk EVERY HOUR. I need to stop making excuses.

I am planning on getting my goals for the rest of the week. Tonight (Thursday) we are headed to the fair which requires TONS of walking, same with tomorrow. Saturday we are walking and DANCING in a parade which will be 5K+ so I will definitely get my 10,000 steps in that day. Sunday is grocery shopping and meal prepping so who knows if I will actually hit my 10,000 step goal but I will be trying!

I am not giving up! I need this routine in my life. Maybe then I will feel that drive to work out that I have missed so much. As for right now…I still don’t feel it L That’s one thing that I really do miss. That CRAVE you get to sweat and breathe heavy…I need to feel that want and I need to feel it now!

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Me after my first 30 minute walk during lunch. My legs didnt hurt then but they do now!

 

 

Plate Police Brutality: The Struggles of Eating in Public

I am re-blogging this from Sass and Balderdash. I just love her blog. But this specific post hit the nail right on the head. I know most women feel this way, I know that I certainly have on many occasions. I’ve actually had a friend not come to my daughter’s birthday party because she would be ‘too tempted’ to eat a slice of birthday cake. Its a slice of birthday cake! ITS NOT GOING TO KILL YOU! My opinion is…eat the damn cake…eat the brownie…eat the cookie. You only live once, and in this life I do not want to be deprived of ENJOYING those delicious tidbits.

Plate Police Brutality: The Struggles of Eating in Public

Last week there was a holiday fair at the office. Several coworkers – many who work in other departments and fall into the “name rings a bell” category – sold goods like knitwear or jewelry that they made by hand. It was actually pretty remarkable to glimpse the unseen passions and hidden talents of the many near-strangers I see only in passing during elevator rides or pilgrimages to the corners of the office where a birthday cake is rumored to be found. It was refreshing to remember that everyone’s lives are much richer than the eight hours we spend conjoined in cubicles each day. That our perception of the people we work with is a snapshot of who they are with a business casual filter applied. The fair itself was lovely, but the baking contest was a sad reminder of how tense eating can be, especially as a woman. When emails about the holiday fair were sent out a few months back the cynic in me expected low participation, but the spread for the bake off alone proved me wrong. There was a huge assortment of desserts anonymously labeled and arranged atop a long stretch of file cabinets just outside the […]

Source: Plate Police Brutality: The Struggles of Eating in Public