MY New Year

I went to see my Endocrinologist (my doctor for my Type 1 diabetes) and my dietician last week. Neither of them were happy. Either not happy with me, or not happy with the way things have been going lately. There will be a lot of changes this coming year. Some changes are things that I should have been doing already but maybe had slacked off on for a while *cough* years *cough*. Some things are new, things that I knew in my heart of hearts but needed that official ‘doctor’s advice’ before really settling into my brain. I don’t make new years resolutions. These are changes that need to be made regardless of the time of year. It just so happened that I saw my doctors last week. It’s taken me this long (hence the dead blog space) to really wrap my head around everything. I don’t think I have it completely wrapped…but I am going to get there lol

As per my doctor, my blood sugar (A1C for those of you who actually speak diabetes) was elevated. I have never been one to have a good A1C. In my entire 21 years of being a type 1 diabetic I have only ever had 1 good A1C. But that is going to change (or so says my doctor). I have been instructed to test my blood sugars MORE (I usually fail miserably at this), get my blood work done every month and see a special diabetic nurse every 4-6 weeks. The thing that will be toughest for me will be the testing my blood sugar. I need to test 6+ times a day. Currently, I am lucky if I get in 2 tests a day and this is where I fail at being a diabetic lol. I am going to need to test my blood sugar upon waking up, 30 minutes before and 2 hours after every meal/snack, before bed, in the middle of the night, and any other time I am fasting (lol never) or just feel like it.  I am having a panic attack just writing this, but I NEED to do this. I NEED to wrap my head around it NOW because if I don’t, there is a good chance I will die a lot SOONER than later. There are so many health complications that come along with high blood sugars. They are scarey; I know, I have seen them first hand in other people. Also, once my blood sugars are more under control I will feel so much better and I honestly cannot wait for that. I have felt like shit for years but I have felt even worse in the past few months. This will help me immensely on my journey to a healthy me.

As for the meeting with my dietician and my journey to a FIT me…For a year I have followed the advice of my doctor and have been sticking to a 1200-1300 calorie meal plan in an attempt to lose weight. During this time I have lost an insignificant amount of weight and have stopped loosing altogether over the past 6 months. I couldn’t figure out why? I have been working out and eating as my doctor advised for a year. An entire year and I have lost a total of about 5 pounds compared to my weight at the same time last year. Luckily I went to see my dietician a few days later and she gave me some great news….I have not been eating enough. Maybe that’s not the great news. The great news would be the fact that I get to eat more food! WOOHOO She has set me up with a new meal plan of 1400 calories (more on workout days). The reason, she said, that I have not seen the weight loss that I wanted is 1) because as a type 1 diabetic it is very difficult to lose weight in general and 2) because my metabolism doesn’t have enough calories to work correctly.

I know not to expect a weight loss like most ‘normal’ people experience but I am HOPING *PRAYING* that I will see SOMETHING! Something that is going to at least push me a little closer to my smaller goals that I have set and eventually (in a few years) towards my larger goals.

I am not giving up. This is me jumping over a crack in the sidewalk of my journey. Wish me luck! I am definitely going to need it J

Advertisements

Getting My CRAZY In Check

depression-quotes-goodreadsI am not to much of a beat around the bush type so I am going to come right out and say this..I suffer from depression. I have for the past 13+ years. If that makes me crazy, then so be it. This is a bit of my story of combat against my own demons.

It has been 11 years since I started taking medication to combat my depression, and almost 8 years since I have been on one specific med (the only one that I ever found to work). I haven’t felt depressed in years because of this medication but I was always scared and worried that I could fall back into depression at any time. A depression that does not make you feel sad but actually makes you feel nothing.

I have been there before. The beast that kills all emotions. Never happy, never sad, never proud, never scared, just numb. Always numb.

I used to lay in bed and stare at the wall. What was the point of getting up to do anything? It didn’t make me happy. It didn’t make me FEEL at all. Unless you have felt that black hole of nothing-ness yourself, there is no way to explain it so that someone who hasnt experienced it will understand. I was a zombie, moving about my days copying others expresions, copying their emotional responses imagesHKDVUQVZI remember, on several occasions the feeling of my cheeks aching from smiling with my friends. But I wasn’t smiling because I was having fun, I was smiling because everyone else was smiling and I knew that that was what I needed to do. In reality I was thinking the entire time ‘how much longer can I hold this smile, and fake this laugh, before they notice that I am a fraud”. .

A little over half a year ago I decided (with the advice and help of my doctor) that I would come off of my medications to see if my body still needed them. For me depression was so much more than just sadness and I was so scared to come off of the medication that regulated my emotions for so long.

I was scared but I knew that it was something I needed to try. I knew that if I didn’t I would regret it for the rest of my life. So I did it. I came off my medication and I am doing great. But that doesn’t mean that I am free of depression or its claws forever.

overcoming-depressionI can still feel it trying to get me to slip up every once in a while. Not too often but every now and again. I feel the anxiety, the irrational fears, the restlessness, the EXTREME irritibility, the complete lack of motivation to do anything. Those are my warning signs. The warning signs that tell me that I need to get my butt in gear to keep my head on straight and not fall back into that black hole of nothing-ness. 

Do you know what I do now, when I begin to feel those symptoms creeping up on me? I excersize. I walk, I run (even if for only a few minutes 🙂 ), I go to the gym, I lift weights, and I work my body hard until I dont feel the claws grasping at me anymore.

I know I’ve mentioned it before but for me, the gym isn’t just about GAINS or weight loss. The gym or excersize in general, for me, clears my head. It helps me to think straight and get my ‘CRAZY’ in check lol. When I am finished a good workout, I feel relaxed and fearless. I feel balanced and stable. I feel strong and motivated to keep doing good.

The fact that I actually feel those things though, that is the biggest accomplishment in my books.  Working out is NOT the only thing I do to keep my ‘Crazy’ in check. I have to make sure that I am also doing things for myself, eatting right (for the most part) and making sure that I am honest with myself, doing self-checks to make sure that my ‘Crazy’ is not slipping.

Today, I feel great. Today, even when I have my low moments I rise up. Today, I have my ‘Crazy’ in check.

hqdefault
I chose this picture because it can be interpretted for so many different things. While it does speak to my personal recovery, I chose this picture because I am thinking about my friend today. He will know its for  him when he sees it.

 

 

 

 

 

Truth Hurts!

The truth hurts…and it hurts sooo bad!

My truth is that I havent worked out faithfully in over a month. A workout here, a long walk there, just doesnt add up to the regular workouts that I was used to doing. Because of this, I have lost muscle tone. I havent gained any weight and my clothes are still fitting the same, but I can feel my muscles tiring more easily.

So, I decided that yesterday was my re-start date. Yesterday was really when the truth hit me…and it hit me hard. I did T25 Alpha Cardio and I almost didnt make it! I felt like giving up hald way through. My muscles were not moving like I was used to them moving. This sucked! But honestly, I am so happy that I finished that damn workout.

My plan is to work out 4 nights a week, with a stretch/yoga day thrown in there somewhere. I am going to do T25 Alpha for at least 3 weeks and then Im going to move up to the T25 Beta that I was supposed to start weeks and weeks ago. That is when I plateaud with the workouts…when I was supposed to move up to the next level (Beta). Maybe I was scared, maybe I just got lazy but Im ready now.

I am ready to be strong and fit. I am ready to be a better me than I am right now.

wpid-20150804_210442.jpgwpid-20150804_210421.jpg

Panic At The Disco

Just an FYI: This does not have much to do about working out or weight loss or anything like that.

So I am panicking. 100% out of my mind, knot in the pit of my stomach, sweaty palms, cannot concentrate. Why you ask? Because I have 4 days left before I am done at my current job and 8 days until I start a brand new one.

I have been at my job for just shy of 3 years. I love my work family (most of them anyways), and this job is so comfortable. But that’s the problem isn’t it? When we get too comfortable we loose sight of what we wanted out of our careers and out of our lives in general. This job was getting stagnant, so I went out searching and found an amazing opportunity. One that will put me into a more prominent role, as well as, get my creative juices flowing.

I’m ecstatic….but that means leaving this cushy, comfortable job behind that I have worked so hard for the past 3 years. I’m panicking because I know I have SO MUCH work to do before I’m finished, so many loose ends to tie up. I’m panicking because I am going to miss the friends that I have made here. I’m panicking because I start a whole new type of journey in less than 8 days and what if I fail miserably?

I can feel the bile rising in my throat, the knot in my stomach grow just a little tighter at the thought of being finished and starting over somewhere new. The anxiety of walking into a new office with very unfamiliar faces looking at me thinking, “whos the new girl?”.

I am pretty easy going, so I pray that I can get along with everyone just like I did here (at my, now, old job). I pray that I am the right fit for the position like they (my new employers) said that I am. I did originally feel like I was the perfect fit for the job, and that they job was made for me, but now that its mine…Im freaking out lol. I pray that I am good at my new job, please let me be great at it, and successful and love what I do (eventually). I pray that I do not fail. Please God don’t let me fail.

c768d642f5883eaadc5df05ff649a170 scared_cat

In A Slump

I was getting into a slump, a rut, getting bored with my day to day workout. I felt like I just needed a little pick me up, something to put me into a better mood when I knew it was time to sweat. I finally realized that I have never bought  workout clothes to actually work out in before.

I have yoga pants, and tanks and big t-shirts that I work out in but I also wear those on a regular basis. I do not have a sports bra of any sort, or any kind of workout gear that would make me feel good about myself. So guess what I went out and bought?

I bought a sports bra (FINALLY) as I was sick of sweating in, and stinking up my good (very expensive) bras. I also bought myself 2 sweat-wicking workout tanks that are pretty cute. Next is a pair of good workout capris and another sports bra and I am all set!

I know that this journey is not about material things. I know that. But sometimes you want to feel good about yourself while on that journey and this is just a step in the right direction. I feel like it helps me get my head into the game, it helps me prepare. It might sound silly to you but I know that when I put those workout clothes on (and I ONLY wear them to work out in) I am going to work and sweat my ass off and that it will be ok.

Its just another step on this journey of mine. And it has definitely given me a pick me up. 🙂

wpid-20150624_215626.jpg
Ugly Hair, Dont Care. Love my new workout clothes.
wpid-20150625_192519.jpg
Always smiling ❤

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

wpid-20150529_231037.jpg
Lower Focus DONE!

I am in a pretty great mood today. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, 2 pounds have found their way off of my body!…Wait what?

Thats right, I am officially down 2 pounds. Some more not see this as a great weight loss but for me, being a diabetic and the effort that it takes to loose any weight, this is a huge weight loss.  It has brought me that much closer to my first goal of being under 220 pounds. My current weight is 222 pounds so that means I only have 2 more pounds to loose to reach that goal. In total I am down 8 pounds since December!

My workouts, at least the cardio, are getting easier. Well not necessarily easier but I have better balance and can hold positions longer and don’t get AS winded (but still pretty fricken winded).

wpid-20150602_090844.jpg
Breaky! Oikos vanilla greek yogurt, with berries and some mixed nuts. Yummy ❤

Ive brought lunch with me every day (except Fridays) for the past 3 weeks. On Sundays I make a big batch of whatever it is that I have decided to bring for lunch that week. This week I brought The Biggest Loser Chicken Cacciatore with the Wild Rice Blend that I love

Im feeling pretty good about the path that I have chosen and how I am doing following the path so far. Of course there are and will always be bumps in the road but that is all apart of the journey.

Go out and make a great life for yourself. After all, its the only one you have. 🙂

It’s A New Dawn, It’s A New Day, It’s A New Life…and I’m Feeling Good!

I cannot believe how great I feel today. I have energy and motivation to get my work done. I feel like I could go for a run right now and it is only 9 in the morning. This is unheard of for me, ESPECIALLY on a Monday morning.

This weekend was busy and full of running around to get ready for the baby showers and parties that are coming up in the next few weeks. I still managed to get some workouts done, eat healthy, and stay within, or even under, my calorie goals. SWEET! I still allow myself to eat regularly (yes I had leftover Pizza for breakfast one day and I had sausages for dinner one day) I just make sure to be completely honest with myself when putting these foods into my calorie counter. Its working pretty well so far 🙂

On Saturday I made a stupid move. I ate right before my workout. This was a HUGE mistake. We decided to do T25 Ab Intervals that night as well. I only got about 10 minutes into it and had to stop. My stomach was killing me, I felt weak, shaky, and very nauseous. Those supermans were my undoing; laying on my stomach, on the floor, lifting my arms and legs up. Well, needless to say, I threw up about 20 minutes later. 😦 Blech. Lesson learned? Never again will I eat right before a workout.

wpid-20150426_201922.jpg
Sunday’s Sweaty Selfie ❤

Tonight (Sunday) we did Cardio. I DID NOT eat for about two hours before and I was good to go. I made it through the entire workout and felt amazing afterwards. I still have trouble doing all of those squats though. My legs just want to give out! One of my new goals is to make it through an entire T25 Cardio or Speed workout without having to take any amount of breaks while doing squats! I think at the rate I am going that this will be a very manageable goal.

Our 30 day Beach Body Challenge is just about up. My next challenge will begin soon; T25 Focus 10 week program! I am so glad that I started this journey. Starting really is the hardest part! Now I need it. I am craving it! Its crazy really, but I know that this is still just the beginning to the rest of my life.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life, and I’m FEELING GOOD!

Sunday Prep Day!

The 30 day Beach Body Challenge begins tomorrow!

Part of the Challenge includes a professional meal plan. Im not really sure how I feel about this. Really, as a diabetic I KNOW how to eat healthy and to count calories and carbs. The reality IS that I over eat. I eat fruit and vegetables every day but it is the amount of them that I need to change. Sadly, I am seeing the same thing with my 7 year old daughter. It makes me feel like a horrible mother seeing her always want more more more food. Hopefully, as she sees me changing, it will be easier to get her to change as well.

So to get organized, in terms of food, I went to the grocery store to pick a few things up. Personally I am not following the plan exactly as put out. I am a type 1 diabetic, have been since I was 6 years old. So I found that the meal plan, for my needs as a diabetic, wasn’t going to work. So I am tweaking it as I see fit.

My meal plan for this week includes:

Breakfast
Berries and Greek yogurt (I already eat this for breakfast pretty much every day anyways)

Snack #1
Nachos
I cannot believe that this is actually an option as listed in the Beach Body meal plan.

Lunch
Teriyaki beef fajitas with peppers, onions, and mushrooms

Snack #2
Veggies and hummus
This was not an option in the Beach Body meal plan but I have to watch my carb count throughout the day. For me vegetables = no carbs and I only use use about 2 tbs of hummus.

Dinner
This is where it gets tricky. I eat whatever someone else (usually my mother) cooks for dinner, as I get home to late in the evening to prepare dinner for myself and my daughter.
I think as long as I watch my portion control carefully at dinner, and count my calories, I will do just fine.

The past few weeks I have perfected the art of preparing a week’s worth of lunches in one day. So after I returned home from the grocery store that is exactly what I did.

Sunday prep day
Sunday prep day
Strawberries has the lowest carb count out of all of the berry family.
Strawberries have the lowest carb count out of all of the berry family.
Strawberries and blueberries measure the same when counting carbohydrates. 1 c=1c
Strawberries and blueberries measure the same when counting carbohydrates. 1 c=1c
Prepped and ready to go <3
Prepped and ready to go ❤
Veggies prepped and ready to go <3
Veggies prepped and ready to go ❤

Now Im ready to take on the world!! 😀

Haha, well I guess I wouldn’t go that far, but I am prepared. I am prepared to eat healthy (and in smaller portions). I am prepared to begin this journey to a lighter, healthier me!

Do you meal prep ahead of time? Let me know, I want to hear from you 🙂

About Me

Hello and thank you for visiting my blog!

My name? Mom, Mommy, Mama, or Ashley. I am also known as a; confidante, chaser of bad dreams, kisser of boo boos, meanie, rule maker, rule enforcer, daughter, mother, sister, best friend…..you catch my drift.

I am an outspoken, kind hearted, strong woman. I have an amazing group of family and friends. I love my life and I love myself.

I love myself. That is why I am starting this blog. This blog is about my journey to getting fit. The hitch? I am a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman for those of you who don’t know what BBW means). I have about 80-90 lbs. to loose and it is not going anywhere fast. I have decided to change my life. It is going to be a big change. It will take a lot of time and commitment, but I know that I AM WORTH IT!

I am writing this blog to speak to the things that most people think, but are afraid to say. Hell I am afraid to say them myself! Nonetheless, my goal is to say them anyways.

I am writing this blog for inspiration. To inspire myself and hopefully I will be able to inspire others in the process.

I am also writing this blog so that one day I can look back and say WOW! Look where you were only 30 days ago; 6 months ago, 2 years ago. Look at all you have accomplished. Look at all you have to be proud of.

Thank you for joining me on this amazing journey that they call life.

Don’t worry. This is just the BEGINNING!

Featured image